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In the real world of the 99-percenter, however, moral questions are rarely black-and-white

It’s the singular artistic achievement of the Eighties band Escape

Never be the designated driver

The "good-Barney-Fife-with-a-gun" theory of school safety

What about the children?

When people say the word "subway" in Texas, they're usually not talking about underground mass transportation

Terrible taste is pretty much hardwired into the American aesthetic

Ask not from whom the dull tolls. It tolls from thee.

Slow clap for almost getting the ball across the goal line

The DPS never sends out Amber Alerts at 1am.

Maybe "Junior Johnson" could be the sequel?

The internet is chock-full of tips on tipping

A rate that rivals even the most impressively war-torn third world countries

More of the outlandish factual assertions, needlessly hyperbolic language, and gratuitous profanity that undermines true, legitimate journalism

The Achilles heel of COVID is that it's not deadly enough to get the attention of the real knuckle draggers

The kind of unforgivable transgression that can ruin a promising career.

Nothing is more dangerous than a control freak who has just figured out the situation is beyond their control.

The more you know about masturbation and parenting, the better off you are

After a year of relative celibacy, everyone deserves a nice roll in the hay.

The last vicious lunge of the cornered rat of white American hegemony

The personal grooming equivalent of buying a crotch rocket

The fundamentally trite platitude at the crux of eternal recurrence

There has never been a better time in the history of the planet to get to know someone without swapping cooties

We're just gape-jawed babes at the dawn of a brand new era

The sweet deliverance of blissful apathy

The mighty oak begins with a tiny acorn

Fortunately we have the depraved wisdom of the Old Testament to guide us

It is truly fascinating to witness the beautiful butterfly squeeze back into an ugly caterpillar

Not exactly the Kama Sutra of hugs

On the ominous meaning of "kid-friendly"