The Hightower Report

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BANNING "HUNGER"

The U.S. Agriculture Department has exciting news for you: Hunger no longer exists in America!

Are they saying that the shame of hunger in our nation of plenty has at long last been eliminated? No. Only the word "hunger" has been eliminated. There are still 35 million Americans – 12% of us – who are so poor they couldn't put food on their tables at times last year, with 11 million reporting going hungry. Now, however, thanks to the Bush administration's relentless program of liberal cleansing, these Americans will not officially be categorized as hungry. Instead, they are henceforth to be referred to as "very low food security" Americans.

It seems that "hunger" is a powerful word that displeases right-wing ideologues. So, the Bushites told a committee of statisticians to come up with a scientific euphemism to sugarcoat the reality that so many of our people struggle daily to feed their families. Thus, the actual condition of hunger is, in the graceful words of Bush's newspeak bureaucrats, "a potential consequence of food insecurity that, because of prolonged, involuntary lack of food, results in discomfort, illness, weakness, or pain that goes beyond the usual uneasy sensation."

Also, Bush's committee helpfully subdivided the food-deprived. Now, there are those people who merely suffer "low food security" (they aren't sure where their next meal is coming from). Then there are those with "very low food security" (they're sure they won't have a next meal). According to the newspeak wordsmiths, you only get "very low" status if you experience "multiple indications of disrupted eating patterns and reduced food intake."

In other words, you are the hungriest of the hungry. But don't call yourself that, because using such plain words might stir public empathy and lead to demands for stronger national action to eliminate "low food security" in America.

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SENSIBLE PRIORITIES

Hey, how about indulging yourself with a hot new Maserati? Yeah, it's got a sticker price that'll make you go blind – but, wow, this baby will flat-out fly!

Even if you only drive your Maserati down to the hardware store, it'll give you an awesome thrill and make you feel like a real stud, so come on – splurge. And don't tell me you can't afford it. Just cut back on your kids' education, cancel your family's health care, and dip into your retirement fund. It's all about priorities, my friend.

If you think such extravagance is insane, you're obviously not a studly Congress critter. These free spenders have just voted to buy more F-22 Raptor fighter jets, a stealth plane that flies so high, so fast that it's called "the Maserati of the skies." Price tag: a third-of-a-billion dollars per plane.

The F-22 is grossly over budget and plagued with so many technical flaws that the 74 already produced cannot be used in combat. This year, for example, it was discovered that a pilot could not get the cockpit open and had to be rescued with chain saws. Also, the F-22 was designed two decades ago to fight the Soviet Air Force – which no longer exists. In fact, the U.S. already has such unquestioned air superiority that there is zero need for this new Maserati, and even the Bush White House opposes lavishing more money on it!

Yet, spurred by a pack of Lockheed Martin lobbyists, Congress has thrown another $38 billion of our money at this thrill machine. To add fiscal insanity to total irresponsibility, our lawmakers also eliminated the annual congressional review of whether the F-22 boondoggle should continue, so now it has a life of its own.

This is $38 billion that's being taken from our country's education, health care, and pension needs. It's all about priorities. To help set them straight, contact Sensible Priorities: 212/243-3416.