The Spirit of Giving

Surely the value of giving is more symbolic than practical. A gift is tangible evidence of your affection for someone, or theirs for you, and whether anyone needs the thing is strictly a side issue. Indeed, it may be that the most cherished gifts are those that the giftee never imagined wanting, much less needing, until the delightful moment when the wrapping comes off.

Then again, if you somehow gained control of an unlimited budget along with the ability to enforce unreasonable courses of action, why, the amount of good you could do with practical gifting seems unlimited. With that in mind, here is a modest wish list for the subjects of this column, our beloved local media.

* A large cruise ship complete with crew and supplies for one full year of sailing, for the Austin American-Statesman Marketing Staff. With the marketing staff safely out of the way, the Statesman's editors and writers would doubtless feel free to stop fawning over Williamson County in particular and publishing feel-good human interest articles in general. A leaner, tougher approach to a city where go-go high-tech excitement coexists with surprising levels of genteel and not-so-genteel poverty might well result. While the absence of promotional campaigns might cause a sharp drop in subscriptions and newsstand sales followed by a decline in ad revenue, this could have a tonic effect. The newspaper's creators would have to try new things as they scrambled to regain the public's attention. Salary cuts would encourage greater identification with the city's rank and file.

* Three months of vacation in Juarez, Mexico for the staff of the Austin Business Journal and the business writers at the Austin American-Statesman. Assuming they survive, this kind of life experience would lend realism, context, and texture to business coverage, especially stories containing references to the "global economy."

* An annual endowment of $1.5 million to KUT, on the condition that the station move to a new location and cease all but the most perfunctory contact with the University of Texas forever. Freed from the poisonous, intellectually dead atmosphere of the university, KUT management and staff could develop a sense of humor and a taste for adventure. Dull public affairs programs featuring comatose professors would disappear. Programming decisions would reflect a desire for liveliness and quality instead of inoffensiveness. Of course, the station would still have to beg for about a million dollars a year to maintain its current operating budget, only not as often.

* Golden parachutes for the managers of KLRU, awarded under the condition that their replacements must be under 30 years old, with preference given to applicants who demonstrate a marked lack of affinity for British culture and who submit bold proposals for locally generated programs. Public television may be moribund beyond repair, but an infusion of new blood would shake things up at this, one of the dullest PBS stations a smart city ever supported. Austin City Limits might not survive as a preserved-in-amber museum piece, nor would the panel discussion show Austin at Issue remain the most convenient way to induce a trance without the aid of drugs or Eastern spiritual techniques. In their place the new management could emulate PBS stations in other cities and attempt new nonfiction programs every season, perhaps giving local moviemakers a chance to pursue interesting ideas.

* Golden parachutes as well for Austin American-Statesman senior editors who have put in more than five years at the paper. That is, senior editors who worked there during the newspaper's fishwrapper days and continue a tradition of mediocrity on the editorial and opinion pages.

* A transfer of funds from the City of Austin's Public Information Office to KOOP, so the beleaguered leftists and progressives at that radio station could breathe a little easier and perhaps distribute a printed schedule. City departments would simply have to generate their own press releases, and live video feeds of council meetings and the like could be handled by college broadcast interns.

*Ground-level office space with plenty of windows looking out on busy downtown streets for the staffs of Austin360.com and CitySearch.com, on the theory that a change in physical space can have wonderful effects on the work being done. Separated from their isolation booths and that horrible gray carpeting, the men and women who create these webzines would benefit from a direct sensory connection to the city while they work, lessening the psychological effects of computer-based fantasy. Ideally, the tendency of the sites to present the city as a sort of consumer playground might also be reduced. Since the windows would have no blinds or curtains and only the slightest tinting, they would also benefit from a rich supply of Vitamin A from exposure to natural light.

* A good job after leaving school for every Daily Texan editor and managing editor. Perhaps assured employment would promote fearlessness and a devil-may-care attitude towards offending the entrenched power blocs at the university. Troublemakers would vie for the jobs against the usual overachievers. A certain zest would return to the student newspaper, and with a reputation as an exciting place to be would come students from outside the journalism school and a significant boost in quality.

* Six weeks at the School of the Americas in rural Georgia with CIA-trained deprogrammers for each of the local TV news departments. The deprogrammers would use a wide array of brainwashing techniques -- stopping well shy of torture, of course -- to make the TV reporters forget everything they have learned in broadcast school and on the job. They would then watch the finest film and video documentaries of the century in special video lounges, punctuated by long periods of silent meditation. Having forgotten the conventions of local news, they would have no choice but to imitate these works upon returning to their jobs. Admittedly, this is grasping at straws, not to mention a pretty extreme notion of a "gift." With a little luck, though, the plan might just work. TV news is locked into a bizarre abbreviation of reality to such an extent that drastic measures are called for, and besides, Company specialists are looking for fresh challenges now that they're not training Central American assassins.

* Finally, a series of lavish prizes, including brand new sports cars and beach houses in the Bahamas, for any talk radio host who gets through a specified period, say three months, without raising his voice, belittling a caller, abusing a minority group or otherwise engaging in ad hominem attacks. The competition would be judged by a panel of elderly women from the Interfaith organization. The idea here is that Sammy & Bob and their like would get tired of Joyce Isaacs carting off all the loot and start minding their manners. Like all of the items on this wish list, it would contribute only a little to peace on earth and good will among humans. But that should serve as a reminder that the world is a very big place, and media very small. You could be forgiven for thinking they do not really matter at all.