Bitter or a Friend?

Dear Editor,
    I wanna be in an emo band with nine members who all play the same note at the same time at the same volume.
    I wanna be the one that sings most of the songs and has the asymmetrical haircut that looks like I slept on a pillow coated in glue.
    I wanna look like I know something really horrible that you should know, and you're not cool because you don't.
    No, I wanna be the skinny guitarist with a beard and a sly virgin smile, who's never really comfortable on stage. Or the keyboard player that looks like the singer, but is only in this band until he gets an office job.
    Fuck, retro Eighties emo sucks. Mostly because the bands can't play and they act like they invented music. They haven't even reinvented it. They're badly rehashing music that sucked when it was new. That makes them tasteless and unoriginal. And I'm pissed that it's popular. But not because it's not me in the limelight.
    You'll be embarrassed for liking it in about nine months, when retro New Wave is cool. Only it won't really be that cool either. And Trail of Dead will be making copies for you at Kinko's next summer. Maybe the summer after that if they're lucky. Broken Social Scene will be making coffee and selling German cars to French Canadians.
    Am I bitter? Maybe. But I'm not jealous.
    Do I wish I could get away with it? No. But for fun, sometimes my band will play an entire set in that style as a joke.
    Please request something in Eighties emo style at a show. We'll do it and we'll have fun. You'll see that your favorite band maybe isn't so special. It's OK, neither is mine. Then you can talk to your friends and forget there's a band playing. We don't mind.
    Hopefully I made you laugh. And then I hope I made you a little nervous, and then angry.
    I'm a hypocrite. I'm bitter. What are you? How about a friend that I love and care enough to challenge your thinking?
    Or not.