Dougherty Arts Center
Some Modest Proposals
RECEIVED Tue., May 10, 2005
Dear Editor,
As someone who has never smoked, I would like to thank Austin voters for ending the tyranny of the city's human cancer factories. Their clouds of destruction have rained, for far too long, on my trips to local music clubs. How dare they spoil my experience? How dare they threaten my very livelihood? Never mind the fact that I made a conscious decision to enter a smoke-filled establishment, knowing full well that I could have spent my hard-earned cash at a joint that shares my rabid anti-tobacco beliefs! If Sea of Thousand is playing at Emo's, then dammit, I'm going to Emo's! And if there's one thing I've learned from the Republican Party, it's this: If you don't like the rules, change them!
Taking a cue from the successful anti-smoking crusade, I am now looking at further ways to safeguard the health of our citizens. So, with great anticipation, I will begin rolling out the following three petitions:
1) To force the city's live music clubs to lower the volume. No Austinite should ever have to leave a punk show with ringing ears. Just ask Pete Townshend - prolonged exposure to loud music can wreak havoc on your hearing. Muffle the guitars, save the eardrums!
2) To make it a felony offense to leave the home if you've got the flu. Or, at the very least, we can force carriers of the virus to wear containment suits in public. Each year, influenza is responsible for the deaths of thousands of children and old people. Just think of how many lives will be saved with my new ordinance!
3) To order the city's Parks and Recreation Department to block out the sun at Barton Springs and Town Lake. Skin cancer is a horrible, horrible affliction, and Austin's female residents should be free to wear their bikinis without fear of its leathery specter.
I hope that all of my townspeople will join me in these efforts. Remember – everyone has the right to live to 150, with good health, supple skin, and strong aural senses.
As someone who has never smoked, I would like to thank Austin voters for ending the tyranny of the city's human cancer factories. Their clouds of destruction have rained, for far too long, on my trips to local music clubs. How dare they spoil my experience? How dare they threaten my very livelihood? Never mind the fact that I made a conscious decision to enter a smoke-filled establishment, knowing full well that I could have spent my hard-earned cash at a joint that shares my rabid anti-tobacco beliefs! If Sea of Thousand is playing at Emo's, then dammit, I'm going to Emo's! And if there's one thing I've learned from the Republican Party, it's this: If you don't like the rules, change them!
Taking a cue from the successful anti-smoking crusade, I am now looking at further ways to safeguard the health of our citizens. So, with great anticipation, I will begin rolling out the following three petitions:
1) To force the city's live music clubs to lower the volume. No Austinite should ever have to leave a punk show with ringing ears. Just ask Pete Townshend - prolonged exposure to loud music can wreak havoc on your hearing. Muffle the guitars, save the eardrums!
2) To make it a felony offense to leave the home if you've got the flu. Or, at the very least, we can force carriers of the virus to wear containment suits in public. Each year, influenza is responsible for the deaths of thousands of children and old people. Just think of how many lives will be saved with my new ordinance!
3) To order the city's Parks and Recreation Department to block out the sun at Barton Springs and Town Lake. Skin cancer is a horrible, horrible affliction, and Austin's female residents should be free to wear their bikinis without fear of its leathery specter.
I hope that all of my townspeople will join me in these efforts. Remember – everyone has the right to live to 150, with good health, supple skin, and strong aural senses.
Thank you,
Scott M. Daigle
Scott M. Daigle
