Alamo Drafthouse Slaughter Lane
Bush's Records
RECEIVED Wed., May 12, 2004
Dear Editor,
Our peace- and freedom-loving, non-evil-doing America has always celebrated its proud heritage of innovators and record breakers. President Bush's administration has been unfairly maligned by "certain" people with an agenda; they don't want Americans to know about Bush's record-breaking presidency. To set the record straight, and shut up the question-doers, new broken records and innovations by Bush:
Record deficit – that means the largest in history
Record discretionary government spending – that means the largest in history
Record gas prices – that means the highest in history
Record profits – oil companies break profit records, yay for trickle-down economics
Record intelligence failures – the most consecutive, spectacular blunders in history
Record job loss – OK, not the worst in history, but the next worst to the worst
Record hatred – the deepest, broadest worldwide anti-American sentiment in history
New innovation – pre-emptive war
New innovation – shed Geneva Convention protocols, then show proof that we did
New innovation – slap the UN like a battered housewife, then beg them to come home
New innovation – convince Americans by – (oops, the Germans beat us to that one)
New innovation – preserve marriage by ensuring gays are constitutionally one-half American
There you go proud, Bush supporters. Don't let anybody tarnish this impressive record. I know that some will continue to choose to politicize politics (they'll politicize anything won't they?). No matter how bad they might say it is, it doesn't matter, because it never does. What is important is that prayer become mandatory in schools, gays are stopped before they get too far, evolution is not talked about, teens should never know what a condom is otherwise they might have sex, and that we worry constantly about the government getting rid of the Second Amendment and our right to bear assault weapons. No really, the other stuff doesn't matter, they're just numbers!
Our peace- and freedom-loving, non-evil-doing America has always celebrated its proud heritage of innovators and record breakers. President Bush's administration has been unfairly maligned by "certain" people with an agenda; they don't want Americans to know about Bush's record-breaking presidency. To set the record straight, and shut up the question-doers, new broken records and innovations by Bush:
Record deficit – that means the largest in history
Record discretionary government spending – that means the largest in history
Record gas prices – that means the highest in history
Record profits – oil companies break profit records, yay for trickle-down economics
Record intelligence failures – the most consecutive, spectacular blunders in history
Record job loss – OK, not the worst in history, but the next worst to the worst
Record hatred – the deepest, broadest worldwide anti-American sentiment in history
New innovation – pre-emptive war
New innovation – shed Geneva Convention protocols, then show proof that we did
New innovation – slap the UN like a battered housewife, then beg them to come home
New innovation – convince Americans by – (oops, the Germans beat us to that one)
New innovation – preserve marriage by ensuring gays are constitutionally one-half American
There you go proud, Bush supporters. Don't let anybody tarnish this impressive record. I know that some will continue to choose to politicize politics (they'll politicize anything won't they?). No matter how bad they might say it is, it doesn't matter, because it never does. What is important is that prayer become mandatory in schools, gays are stopped before they get too far, evolution is not talked about, teens should never know what a condom is otherwise they might have sex, and that we worry constantly about the government getting rid of the Second Amendment and our right to bear assault weapons. No really, the other stuff doesn't matter, they're just numbers!
Ben Burroughs
