Morph Into Texas' Hounds of Hades With This Year's Halloween Mask

As Texans, we're no strangers to the slips and snarls of our state's leadership. This year, however, we were especially frightened by the far-reaching turmoil unleashed by Texas' three heads of state: Gov. Greg Abbott, A.G. Ken Paxton, and Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick. Taking inspiration from Cerberus, the guard dog of Hades, we invite you to transform into the Lone Star State's three-headed (albeit graying) hellhound.

1) Sniff out the closest rack of The Austin Chronicle and grab a copy. For the COVID-positive anti-vaxxers still immune to the stench of progressive newsmedia, look no further than the advice of Master Mar-a-Lago and chug a bottle of hydroxychloroquine for an olfactory boost.

2) Use your claws to carve something sharp from the ice leftover from when hell froze over in February. Heck, make it a competition, but don't forget to check everyone's birth certificates, of course.

3) As you cut out your mask's eyes, mouths, and ears, remember: The bigger the earholes, the better to hear Greg "The Notorious D.O.G." Abbott's fiddlin' violin accompanied by the ghostly chirps of some 70,600 pulse oximeters of Texans who have died from COVID-19.

4) Grab the remaining thread of Roe v. Wade to fasten on your mask, but hurry! Since your great state became home to the most restrictive abortion ban in the country, constitutional rights are unraveling by the day.

5) Whew, all that hard work means it's time for a nap. Curl up on your bed of cold, hard cash that Dan "Dogzilla" Patrick never awarded for reports of voting fraud in the November 2020 presidential election. Pro tip: Rake in some of that Back-the-Blue cash you saved from "#DefundthePolice" to stuff your bed with the fluffiest political fodder.

6) Now that you've got some pep in your step, it's time to embody the spirit de Ken "Sir Barks-a-Lot" Paxton and guard the entrance of the Texas State Capitol, where the river of egregiously mismanaged state government draws the boundary between the red state underworld and the progress of tomorrow.

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The Austin Chronicle Halloween Mask cover is an annual tradition. Find our gallery of masks from the past four decades at austinchronicle.com/special/halloween-masks.