Letters at 20 Years

Stop the presses! Kurt Standiford, the fire-and-brimstone writer of countless anti-gay letters, is not homophobic after all. That's just a misnomer that all the Sodomites and their minions created for good Christians like Kurt. Talk about blame-shifting McCarthyism! "That's a hang-the-straw-man kind of deal," says Standiford. "I'm a Christian. I'm not homophobic." Whew! What a relief, because you know what they say about homophobes ...

Anyway, now that Kurt has straightened us out in that department, just who is Kurt Standiford? In real life, the Columbus, Ohio, native-turned-Texan is soft-spoken with pale blue eyes. Some of his best friends are liberals (100% heterosexual, thank you), and even Kurt claims he was a liberal too, once. "I hated Nixon," he says. "I knew he was a liar." But Kurt wised up and crossed over when he realized that "being a liberal means you have to agree with all the other liberals." On the lighter side, Kurt enjoys playing the harmonica -- blues mostly. "When I first started playing, it was like I was being reincarnated from death row," he explains. Kurt's favorite artist of all time is Frank Zappa because "of the quality of his music and the fact that he didn't sell out."

When he's not playing the harp, Kurt likes to play practical jokes. As an April Fool's prank a year ago, he placed his own obituary in the Austin American-Statesman. The obit was pinkie-sized, about three sentences. Kurt still chuckles when he remembers how both the Statesman and the Chronicle "fell for it hook, line, and sinker."

Right now, Kurt is between jobs, losing his last job when the bust hit town and dried up the pool and spa business. He was the guy who tested the water chemistry. In the past, he has worked as a licensed vocational nurse and a lab technician. Back in Ohio, he worked in a blood clinic, but the homosexuals blew his chances for advancement when they tainted all the blood. "They had to shut down the clinic," Kurt says, shaking his head in disgust.

Kurt's pretty disgusted with a lot of things right now, especially the way liberals have sold Austin down the river. He's thinking of picking up stakes and moving to a little town in Arizona, someplace that will give him another start in life and maybe some new letter-writing material. If that's the case, we're certain many readers will want to join us in a big, heartfelt, vaya con Dios, Kurt!