Fake Press Conferences Concerning Texas Football: Nov. 17, 2014

Holy shit, the Longhorns are going to a bowl game. UT has been playing as good as anybody in the Big 12 over the last three weeks. That might be damning with faint praise, but it’s praise nonetheless.

Texas easily dispatched Oklahoma State 28-7 in Stillwater Saturday night. Tyrone Swoopes threw for over 300 yards and two scores while the Texas defense limited Oklahoma State’s offense to only 54 yards in the first three quarters. Texas won’t be entering the BCS playoff discussion anytime soon, but a top 25 finish isn’t impossible.

Charlie Strong made sure his players weren’t going to be intimidated by the cold temperatures up in Oklahoma, demanding that they take their sleeves off before kickoff. “They told me it was cold,” he noted. “I told them it wasn’t cold.” If Charlie Strong tells you the football is made of hamburgers, I guess you grab a fork and ask him for some ketchup.

Saturday’s victory means more than just another notch into the win column. It serves as validation for a trying first campaign under Strong’s helm. The already beleaguered coach will close out his opening season with a bowl game – not a great one, but a bowl game nonetheless. In fact, if all the chips fall into the right places, Texas may face off in late December against A&M.

Understanding the stakes, and the accomplishment achieved, we chose to direct our post-game press questions towards the most powerful man in the great state of Texas: exiting governor James Richard “Rick” Perry. Hey there Mr. Governor, how about those Longhorns?

Perry: Now, I’m an A&M man, y’see. Love all those cool traditions like suin’ anyone who uses the term “12th man,” kissin’ whichever girl happens to be sittin’ next to you after a touchdown, and then putting a broomhandle up a cadet’s butt to show him how much we care about his future. Just a great school. But credit where credit’s due for the Longhorns. Yessir, these last three weeks have been pretty impressive to me. Y’all had wins against Oklahoma State, West Virginia, and… and… there’s one other one I forget.

Press: Texas Tech, sir.

Perry: Oops. Yessir, Texas Tech. Great school. God’s country. Lubbock’s a great old town where the only thing harder to get than birth control is a nice cold beer to wash it down with. Great stuff out there.

Press: Mr. Governor, how do you feel about the possibility of Texas playing A&M in a bowl game?

Perry: I think that would be just wonderful for the State of Texas and the citizens of Austin to see how real football’s played again. However I gotta say that I’m disappointed in coaches Strong and Sumlin for declining my requests to have ‘em out for a weekend at the famous Perry family ranch. Matter of fact, I’d like to take this press conference to remind them that they’re state employees, and I can and will withhold their funding –even though I am currently acknowledging that would be very illegal to do.