Horns Lose At Home Against John Denver Fans

I’ve never played the game, never studied X’s and O’s and so I’m constantly using football terms I don’t understand, like “bubble screen,” “weakside linebacker” and “starting safety Adrian Phillips.” I’m just a fan, but one with a certain shining.

I can spot a team of destiny and this year’s version rode to town on a goddamned John Denver song. With their Heisman winner elect Geno Smith, always heavin' West Virginia pulled out the unfathomable en route to a 48-45 victory over the Texas Longhorns Saturday: a 207-yard rusher. They pranked the Horns, but instead of shouting “baba booey,” it was “Andrew Buie! Andrew Buie! Andrew Buie!” This kid did everything, even tackling himself in the open field just before halftime. Team of Destiny rule: unexpected heroes at every turn. And fourth down conversions: WV was five of five.

Although the D-line played beastly, especially DE’s Oak n’ Coat and rook DT, the other Malcolm Brown, Texas gave up chunks of yardage when it needed to make a stand. The way those LBs disappeared, that could be called the Jenny Craig defense. Sacked four times, with two forced fumbles, Geno Smith realized he wasn’t playing the Baylor’s women’s basketball team again this week, but he connected at crucial moments and finished 25-35 for 268 yards.

When the West Virginia Mountaineers are playing Alabama for the national championship (and losing badly, so maybe they’re just a team of dest), they’ll think back at this moment of the Texas game as the one that got ‘em there: Texas recovered a Smith fumble at the WV 12-yard-line late in the 4th quarter, trailing by three. And didn’t score.

I mean, are you gonna close the deal or tell Hayden Panettiere to put her shirt back on, she's had a little too much to drink?

QB David Ash had slightly better numbers than Geno- 22-29 for 269 yards and no turnovers- but coach Bryan Harsin seemed to suddenly lose confidence at that critical juncture. After burning two downs with some weakass Joe Bergeron runs up the gut (I pictured Harsin tied up and gagged with a sinister Greg Davis back in the booth), Ash went back into shotgun formation to pass. But the snap flew by him, he lost 16 yards and the ghost of JoePa pushed Anthony Fera’s 41-yard FG attempt to the right.

When Geno and his two sensational wideouts marched down the field and Buie knifed in from the 5 to put WV up by 10 with just over a minute left, the Fera miss was moot. Texas lost to the better team, which is why I wished they played with less caution. Why chew clock in a shootout trying to establish the run against a team whose DBs couldn’t cover “Louie Louie?” Why not use the more explosive Johnathan Gray and his whildcat in the fourth quarter instead of Lumberin’ Joe? And what the fock is Daje Johnson doing on the sidelines and not on crutches?

On the eve of getting their asses kicked by Bama, the Virgin Mountaineers might also look back on the Texas time out call in the 1st half that turned a sack of Geno on 4th down into a touchdown pass. Five million dollars a year for those kinds of decisions. Don’t worry, West Virginia, we pick up the tab.

Back and forth the score went, like the banjos of “Deliverance,” with Texas, once down 21-7, taking leads of 28-24 and 38-34. But in the end (no pun intended), Texas was portrayed by Ned Beatty.

Now 4-1, the Horns go up to Dallas next Saturday, where my fanvision sees a big win over Oklahoma, who will probably be favored by a touchdown.

Despite the loss, we can be proud of how hard the Longhorns fought. They can’t cover a kickoff worth a damn (used my "Louie Louie" line too early), but they played like men. I’m sure it was a tough loss to take. Kenny Vaccaro was so despondent, he didn’t tweet for almost ten minutes after the game.

Never played the game myself, but I love to watch it, because when you think about it's role in real life, football don’t mean shit.

RIP Brenda. RIP Nick.