Nolan Ryan vs. Nolan Ryan? Only in Austin

Major League Baseball is coming to Round Rock! No, we’re not getting a franchise to move into the area, but for one day we won't have to travel three hours to see a major-league team play ball.

On Wednesday, March 30, at 6:30pm, the Texas Rangers will play an exhibition game against their AAA affiliate, the Round Rock Express, at the Dell Diamond. And all I can think about is the Buzz.

No, not the buzz that’s swirling around because All-Stars like Josh Hamilton and Nelson Cruz are coming to town, but the South Carolina Buzz, the AAA ball club from the American cinema classic, Major League 3: Back to the Minors, in which the Buzz take on their major-league affiliate, the Minnesota Twins.

I know a lot of you who read our Sports blog can probably quote endlessly from the first two Major League movies. “Juuuuust a bit outside,” and “Too high, too high,” are a couple that come to mind off the bat.* But “They time this kid’s fastball with an hourglass” is a quote that probably only people who love baseball and/or Scott Bakula movies can recite. And I’m both.

* Pun intended.

If you haven’t seen the bastard child of the Major League franchise, I highly suggest you view it before Wednesday because there are plenty of moments from the movie you’ll be thinking about during the showdown between the Rangers and the Express. I’ve got a few things I’m already thinking about:

1) Roger Dorn is the most complex character in a cinematic trilogy. Seriously. In the original Major League, he’s a brash, over-confident jerk who only cares about his stats and couldn’t care less about the team. In the sequel, he’s a lovable buffoon whose only contribution to the team – after buying the Cleveland Indians, and then selling them back to villain Rachel Phelps – is to take one for the team.** In the third installment, he’s a mild-mannered straight*** man who has now been divorced six times and somehow has enough money to become the owner of the Minnesota Twins and their AAA affiliate. Frank McCourt looks on in jealousy.

**How there is no video on the Internet of Dorn getting beaned is a disgrace to the 21st century and the Internet. Come on, YouTube uploaders, step your game up!

***As in, he lets all of the other characters do the jokes and punchlines.

The moral of this story? Let’s just be happy we have an owner for both the Rangers and Express who is a lot more stable than Roger Dorn.

Aside from this, of course.

2) I can’t wait to witness the composure of the Express players during the game. I suggest you do the same. Keep in mind that these are players who are almost in the majors and, if they have any hope for making to the bigs, should carry themselves as such.

In ML3, every player from the Buzz is meant to be portrayed as intimidated by and frightened of playing the Minnesota Twins. From starting pitcher Hog Ellis, who’s afraid to throw inside to slugger Carlos Liston, to catcher Rube Baker**** who has been to the World Series, everyone is nervous about playing the big boys from Minneapolis.

****Once all part of the Cleveland Indians franchise, Rube, Taka Tanaka, Pedro Cerrano, and even Harry Doyle are all still together, but are now associated with a completely different franchise? Sound familiar???

I imagine it will be more of a relaxed format with players from both teams joking around with each other and playing with only about 75% mental focus, but if you see a few errors on routine throws or an Express pitcher who walks a Ranger with four straight balls, you can bet on that minor leaguer's future to be not that bright.

3) Who am I more excited to see play? I know that the Texas Rangers went to this little event called the World Series last year, but the Express is the team who the community will – or rather, should – be following closely this year, and thanks to the affiliate swap, every player is a new name that we will have to get adjusted to. Just like I was rooting for Rube Baker and the rest of the Buzz, I have a feeling I’ll be doing the same for Chris Davis and the Express.

Also if you want to learn a few more names from the Rangers farm system, I suggest browsing their Top 20 Prospects Countdown.

4) To be honest, I hated Major League 3, in fact, I thought it was a disgrace to the franchise. It’s a terrible movie that shouldn’t be considered a sequel to the other two movies. But when Bob Uecker shows up, I forget I’m watching a terrible movie and I sit back and enjoy his one-liners.*****

*****“No boubt a-dout it” is only funny if it’s coming from Harry Doyle. I’m 100% positive about this.”

That’s how I feel about Wednesday’s game. I know I’m going to an exhibition. I know nothing’s on the line; the Rangers’ 25-man roster is all but decided at this point. There probably won’t be an intense bottom-of-the-ninth comeback from the Express. I know all of this, but I don’t care. Baseball’s back, and that’s all that matters.******

******As cliched as the third installment of Major League was, I feel the only proper way to end this post is by being as cliche as possible. You’ve been warned.

Play ball.