Lonestar Rollergirls’ Calvello Cup Championship Going Down This Saturday

“Stinging, red streak across buttocks and/or legs resulting from too-short-skirts/pants/shorts and exposed skin hitting the banked track. Accompanied by painful skin-sticking-to-Masonite board sound.” This, of course, is the definition for “Track Rash or Masonite Burn,” defined in the glossary of Roller Derby slang on the TXRD Lonestar Rollergirls website.

For those not on the up-and-up and, thus, unfamiliar with such terms as “getting railed,” “give a whip,” or “take that bitch down,” it is high time you studied up so you can spend your Saturday night at the final bout of the Rollergirls’ 2006-2007 season well-informed on the proceedings taking place.

At the Austin Convention Center, June 23, the Holy Rollers and last year’s champs, the Putas del Fuego, will suffer many a track rash competing for the title of Calvello Cup Champions. During their eight-month-long season spent nursing welts and tattered fishnets, all five Lonestar Rollergirls’ teams have demonstrated agility and ability in the derby tasks presented before them: speed-skating on a banked track through a mob of pugnacious, fearless beauties; blocking such wily womyn; whipping teammates around the pack; and, you know, clawing, clotheslining, and deliberately falling to trip opponents. The Cherry Bombs, Hellcats, and Rhinestone Cowgirls have been lapped one too many times by the aforementioned teams and will be watching this one from the stands.

It will be an intense match. Throughout this season, both teams have proven their strength on the track and a determination to win. The Holy Rollers’ Axle Rosie has led exciting jams and is a machine, while the Putas’ Chola is equally fast and ferocious.

Saturday’s bout is sure to include S.L.A.B.’s “We Ain’t Trippin” on the playlist: “Whoa bitch, get out the way!” But I’m hoping to hear the Donnas’ “Get Rid of That Girl”: “I’m gonna hit her in the head/I’m gonna knock her down/I’m gonna drag her by the hair all over town/I’m gonna get get get get rid of that girl!” After all, no one is waiting for the miniskirt on skates to move out of the way; it is up to the Calvello Cup hopefuls to take that bitch down.

Doors open at 6pm; tickets are $15 at the door or $13 presale. To buy tickets and to donate money to replace the Lonestar Rollergirls’ broken scoreboard, visit www.txrd.com.