'NFL Analysis 101': The Last of the Southern Belles

Good day, my pupils. We need to dive right into the heart of our subject. Since last we met, much has happened all across the NFL, but no team has made a splash like Detroit, and the cold waves can be felt from coast to coast. By trading defensive end James Hall to St. Louis, then scoring DE Dwayne White in free agency, the Lions have altered the landscape of the draft and the entire NFL offseason. The kings of this jungle now have options at the No. 2 overall pick, and are likely to trade down. St. Louis, formerly hungry for DE aid is no longer obligated to draft in such a manner. This forces all other teams dreaming of DL relief to wake up and activate new strategies.

But this is what novelists call “foreshadowing” and we have more rosters to read of before the draft. Today, we have the newly formed NFC South, which brags the explosive Saints, and three other teams that owe a refund to season-ticket holders for the sad performance of the 2006-07 season. Let us indulge in Southern Comfort, shall we?

ATLANTA FALCONS
Printed comparison: As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner.

Drunken oversexed, underachieving Southerners. Am I writing of the Black Birds or a Faulkner chronicle? I don’t even know anymore. But Mike Vick is two steps shy of burning down barns, and enjoying every moment of it. Vick himself is like Faulkner, a one of a kind novelty who is good at what he does, but what he does fits in no team plan. Through death and high water, this team is meandering toward a Super Bowl … only to bury the body of Jerry Glanville, and to find out they all hate each other.

Prognosis: The Falcons don’t need talent or warm bodies. They need heart, and plantations of it. Losing Patrick Kearney to the Seahawks was a step in a bad direction, yet adding the spicy motor mouth of Joe Horn was smart. I think this team needs a hard hitter in the defensive backfield, and I look for them to grab LSU’s LaRon Laundry in the first round of the draft.


CAROLINA PANTHERS
Printed Comparison: Pop. 1,280 by Jim Thompson
This bunch performs like a hard-boiled Americana noir, tough and lacking in fear … and occasionally common sense. I’m still attempting to solve the mystery on how this football “Dimestore Dostoevsky” didn’t make it to the big game last year.

Prognosis: This gang needs help at safety and linebacker. I like Patrick Willis to be the pick of the Panthers. He has speed and hits like a .45 slug.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
Printed Comparison: The Philosophy of Andy Warhol: (From A to B and Back Again) by Andy Warhol
With a violent array of tricks and toys on offense, the Saints can score Big and score Easy. Much like Warhol’s art and ideas, the skill positions on this squad are so fine; they make it all appear simplistic. It’s the defense that concerns me in the Crescent City. Austinite Drew Brees is forced to blow the competition away, or this group gets a check in the “L” column on Sundays.

Prognosis: The Saints want to build this defense with the young and aggressive. Cornerback Leon Hall of Michigan is mentally tough, as solid as a Campbell’s Soup Can, and would look swell in black and gold.

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
Printed comparison: Shane by Jack Schaefer and Wendell Minor (the 2001 hardcover with pretty pictures)

“Young Bob Starrett spots a man riding into a small Wyoming town where his family has recently moved. The stranger (Shane), noticing Bob's presence, stops at the Starretts' home to refresh himself and his horse with water. The neighborly Starrett, leader of a family of homesteaders, lets Shane use his water and then invites him to stay for dinner. Because of weather, Shane's departure becomes delayed multiple times. The longer Shane stays, the more he becomes involved in two conflicts: one with himself and one that he fights for the Starretts.”

Now read this paragraph again and replace “Wyoming” with “Tampa,” “Starrett” with Bucs owner Bruce Allen, and “Shane” with Jon Gruden. Oh, and take “weather” and change it to “winning a Super Bowl with Tony Dungy’s players.”

Prognosis: The days of wine and roses are over. Warren Sapp is in Oakland, and Gruden has allowed the noble team that Tony Dungy built go the way of the Western buffalo. The Bucs have the opportunity to draft anybody and win more, and more convincingly, than the sad performance served at the Big Sombrero last fall. I like wide receiver Calvin Johnson out of G. Tech to be welcomed in to the home of Allen.

For Next Class

Ask yourself “what is the difference between a crypto zoologist, and a person with a real job”? And don’t forget your Vonnegut and Hawkins reading.