Stop Interrupting My Regular Programming (Please)

I don't want any trouble, Dr. D. I just want to know what you did with Miss Marple.

So listen, PBS, we need to talk. First of all – you know I love you, right? You're like family. Which is why I can be a little tough with you – because no matter how harsh I may sound now, I'll still be there for you.

Correction: I'll be there for you in 2 weeks. That should be right around when you're wrapping up your summer fundraising drive. Now don't get me wrong – I have no complaints with you asking for money, and I'll be writing you a check in appreciation of Charlie, Gwen, Hercule and Jane, the Doctor, the Dickens, Nature and Nova.

But I'm not writing that check until Aug. 17, because I'll be damned if I'm going to reward you for the crap programming you put on during pledge drive.

Let me get this straight: You want me to pay for all the free public television I've been enjoying. Reasonable enough. So then why do you yank for two weeks all the programs I love and replace them with a bunch of self-help seminars and hokey-pokey music retrospectives? That's the carrot you're dangling at me? Dr. Wayne Dyer's Excuses Begone! (emphasis entirely his) and doo-wop? More like don't-wop. Har! Sorry – Sunday nights I typically get a civilizing dose of British drama or mystery; without it, I'm unmoored, and prone to very bad jokes.

Keep your Dr. Dyer and your complimentary mug**. Give me back my Masterpiece Theatre and I'll cut you a check the very same day.

Check listings for local affiliate KLRU here. And for god's sake, don't be a grump like me; go here to pledge now. I'll bring up the rear.

** Actually, a mug would be lovely. Thank you.