Last Friday's All-American Tennis Shootout at the Austin Convention Center featured the No. 4 player in the world, James Blake; his brother Thomas; reigning U.S. clay court champ Mardy “Go” Fish; and the No. 1-ranked doubles team in the world, Bob and Mike Bryan. But the real man of the match was the one-and-only Ronald McDonald.

I'm not talking about any Ronald McDonald. I'm talking the Ronald McDonald. The mustard-and-ketchup clown of reknown. The man with the fries to go with that shake. The world’s No. 1-ranked corporate fast-food buffoon.

As a boon to all you last-minute shoppers, the Chronicle's crack team of reporters is assembling a holiday gift guide this week. Here's a quick preview for you procrastinators.

NewsMax Top 8 Bestselling Christmas Gifts:

Winger "news" Web site NewsMax declares victory in the War on Christmas with these thoughtless, ahem, thoughtful gifts. Get inspired by The Duke via "John Wayne: America, Why I Love Her," or listen in for signs of the Rapture on your Emergency World Band Radio.

Rummy's Forget Me (Not!) T-Shirt:

The curtains closed on Donald Rumsfeld's career last week, not a moment too soon. Here's a timely gift that fits the season to a T. Dreaming of a cathartic Christmas? Blaze the hike-and-bike trail in this little number and your endorphins will perk up faster than you can say "I don't do quaqmires." Rumsfeld Who? indeed. Fine this and other Rummy gems at CafrePress.com (search under Donald Rumsfeld).

Anything But Tofu and Soymilk:

Because as we all know, it makes you Teh Gay!

On Dec. 14, the Chronicle got word from Austin political consultant Mike Blizzard, who has stepped up to do some pro bono public relations consulting for Bexar Co. primate sanctuary Primarily Primates, Inc., that famed “Humanzee” Oliver, the chimpanzee cover boy for our feature on the battle over animal welfare at PPI, has moved into a new, larger enclosure at the 75-acre sanctuary. (See, “Famous Long Ago,” in this week’s issue.) It’s “really good news,” Blizzard said, and everyone at PPI is “really stoked about Oliver” being moved into an enclosure that Blizzard says is 10 times the size of his former home, a small red metal circus transport cage not much larger than a closet. In a phone message, Blizzard reported that Oliver is “very happy” with his new digs. By Thursday afternoon, he said, Oliver was kicking back and taking a nap – he’s “very tired,” Blizzard said, “because he’s been walking around” his new enclosure.

With domestic production valued (conservatively) at just more than $35 billion, marijuana is the largest cash crop in the U.S. – worth more than the nation’s corn and wheat crops, which, combined, are valued at just more than $30 billion, according to a new report by Jon B. Gettman, a public policy and economic development consultant, posted to the nonprofit information site DrugScience.org. According to Gettman – a former national director of NORML, who started the Drug Science Web site to disseminate scientific information about marijuana and to publicize a petition seeking to reschedule marijuana within the Controlled Substances Act – there were some 67 million pot plants grown in the U.S. in 2006, making pot the top cash crop in 12 states.

Semifinal week in the UIL elimination derby - except for Copperas Cove, that is, who faces the Mules of Alamo Heights in the 4A Division I state title game 6pm Saturday in the Alamodome, so good luck boys - and area teams have a dog in every fight except class 1A. Provided you count the Scherz Clemens Buffs, who polished off district foe Hays last week 27-7 and tangle with the big, bad Cougars of La Marque, one of two teams from my neck of the woods, 3pm Saturday at Berry Stadium in the Cy-Fair area of Houston. La Marque used to regularly whip my alma mater Clear Brook back in the day. Once my fightin' Wolverines jumped up to 5A, that happy chore was assumed by, among others, the Pearland Oilers, who bring excellently named UT recruit Fozzy Whittaker to Texas A&M's Kyle Field 2pm Saturday to face the still-rolling Westlake Chaps, who dispatched Los Fresnos last week 45-19. Tune in KZNX 1530 AM for that one. In class 3A, Liberty Hill hopes last week's controversial hit on Giddings QB Brock Fitzhenry that, let's be frank, probably meant the difference in their 35-28 quarterfinal, hasn't screwed up their karma for Saturday's 4pm Division II semifinal against the formidable Hondo Owls. Hear it on KHLE 106.9 FM. Finally, as UT emergency quarterback Quan Cosby wonders if he'll be pressed into duty in the Alamo Bowl, his alma mater Mart faces Lexington in an all-Central Texas Class 2A Division II semifinal 6pm Saturday at Temple High School. One more week before those Friday Night Lights go dark until next fall, but, take note, the similarly named NBC series moves to Wednesdays starting next month.

Responsible Growth for Northcross isn't feeling Council's decision not to give Wal-Mart the boot. Their press release:

"Statement from Responsible Growth for Northcross regarding Austin City Council's Inaction on the Northcross Development:

Responsible Growth for Northcross (RG4N) is dismayed that the Austin City Council did not revoke or suspend Lincoln Property Company¹s illegally approved site plan. This inaction ignores the overwhelming evidence that Lincoln grossly understated the likely traffic impact of the development, was deficient in notification of citizens, and conducted deceptive filing practices. Furthermore, the Council is disregarding the voices of more than 3,600
petitioners (and hundreds more that contacted the Council individually) demanding action.

We appreciate the Council's commitment to hold Lincoln Property Company to no action whatsoever on the Northcross project for 60 days. We also appreciate the Council's commitment to prohibit 24-hour operation at Northcross as is currently planned.

RG4N is prepared to aggressively pursue all necessary measures to save our neighborhoods and to provide a better vision for redevelopment at Northcross Mall. Our goal is a meaningful partnership with Lincoln Property Company to develop a new site plan that ensures quality of life in our neighborhoods."

UPDATE: RG4N retracted the above statement, issuing a practically identical one that makes some small, but (legally?) important changes. Its second paragraph now reads, "This inaction ignores the mounting evidence indicating that Lincoln may have grossly understated the traffic impact of the development, that the city was deficient in notification of citizens, and that the city had no authority to approve the site plan as an administrative site plan without a public hearing. Furthermore, the Council is disregarding the voices of more than 3,600 petitioners (and hundreds more that contacted the Council individually) demanding action."

Last night in Corpus Christi the Bats picked up their ninth win of the season beating the Rayz (nice touch with the Z) 3-2. All of the scoring took place in a wild first period with Austin's Ray Smegal picking up two points (a goal and an assist). Backup goalie Kevin Couture earned the W evening his season record at 4-4. Tonight the 9-8-4 Bats travel to Laredo to face the first-place Bucks at 7:30pm and then return home Saturday night to play the Rio Grande Valley Killer Bees at 7:30pm in the Bat Cave. Saturday's game is "Support Our Troops Night" and all active, reserved, and retired military will receive $5 off admission to the game with their military ID. All road games can be heard on the Big 1530 ESPN Radio and over the Internet on espnaustin.com. On Wednesday the Bats announced the appointment of Jeff Buch as chairman of the board and managing general partner of their parent company, Capital Hockey Ventures Ltd., and Randy Sanders was named the team's new president.

Dig it: Today's the going-away party for Austin Police Association prez Mike Sheffield. Big Sheff's leaving to join state law lobbyists CLEAT, and show them how he got Austin cops the fattest salaries in the state. His influence will be felt for years to come, especially around budget time.

From the press release:

"You're invited to a retirement celebration in honor of APA President Mike Sheffield.

Friday, December 15, 2006 3:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m in the hospitality room of the Capitol Beverage Company. 10300 Metropolitan in Austin, Texas.

Mike will be retiring after 28+ years of service with the Austin Police Department and over 15 years of service to the Austin Police Association. He has served as the Austin Police Association President for over 8 years.

Cocktail/Refreshments Provided. Presentation to begin at 5:00 p.m."

Gov. Rick Perry has named one of a his favorite Texas Democrats as his new legislative director. State Sen. Ken Armbrister, a Victoria Democrat who spent much of his career bashing Austin's water-quality rules, is retiring from office at the end of this term and joining Perry's staff in January. Armbrister's new job will have him shilling for Perry at the Lege. Perry figures that Armbrister's Democratic ties, however threadbare, will help the governor win bipartisan favor on critical issues. But considering the number of times Armbrister has bailed on his Democratic colleagues, you have to wonder if he has anything left to collect from the old chit jar.