Leffingwell Announces New Initiatives

Mayor Leffingwell announces his latest proposals

If it's Sunday, it must be April 1st. Mayor Lee Leffingwell met the challenge by announcing a series of new initiatives that, if adopted, should change the political landscape of Austin – and its TV channels and operation, its business transactions, and its legendary cuisine. And NewsDesk asks: Have you Voted yet Today?

Announcing the proposals, to be brought before the City Council as soon as humanly possible, or sometime a lot later, Leffingwell said in a press statement:

“Everywhere I go, people ask me to focus on universal voicemail commands. Folks say, my delete button on my cell phone is my forward button on my home voicemail and the pause button on my work voicemail, and I can’t take it anymore. I feel their pain. What I’m saying today, on April 1st, is that these basic quality-of-life issues are now my top priorities.”

In addition, the mayor said he intends to take on a list of other "hot-button" issues, such as confusing remote controls, among others, proposing:

*A limit on the total number of buttons on all TV remotes

*Restrictions on the use of oddly-sized business cards

*A prohibition against the British pronunciation of the word “schedule”

*A requirement that bowl depths not exceed spoon lengths

*Strict penalties for using car-horn sounds in radio commercials

*An immediate citywide ban on name-dropping using first names only

*A requirement that mustard be available on the table at all Austin restaurants

Leffingwell said he will also push to move Fox News out of the “news block” on local cable station listings and place it near QVC, cut back on the use the Helvetica font, and cap wait times at Franklin BBQ.

If he can manage the latter for desperate BBQ afiçionados, reports NewsDesk, he can announce his immediate candidacy for Mayor for Life.

In other April 1st news, if you haven't voted in today's primary elections – Democratic, Republican, and Miscellaneous – you're missing a historic leap forward in state political chaos.