Abbott Kicks Coke

Who's the man? Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott, that's who.

On May 11, the man flexed his legal muscle in Dallas County court, securing a temporary injunction against the makers of the (apparently) controversial energy drink Cocaine. Under the injunction, Cocaine makers Redux Beverages LLC and Redux LLC (along with one Texas distributor and two Texas wholesalers) are banned from marketing, warehousing, or selling the caffeinated beverage that Abbott says is being promoted as a "legal alternative" to street cocaine – which, it turns out, is illegal, unless the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has actually approved the product as an official drug alternative.

To be sure, the whole dustup is about image. The AG's office is all puffed up in its court filings, going on about how allowing the sale of Cocaine to continue would somehow cause irreparable harm to Texas "consumers." Of course, what specific harm Abbott's referring to is conveniently absent from court filings. And for sure, Redux is being cheeky – almost too cutesy cheeky, if you ask me; they market Cocaine (with its letters spelled out in a white font that looks granulated – how clever!) as "speed in a can" or "liquid cocaine," which could cause a quasi-high – a "euphoric rush" – in some users.

BFD. Seriously.

But apparently Abbott is no fan of cheeky, and judging by a May 16 press release announcing his win in court, this actually is a big deal. Why, you ask? Because of the children! Think of the children! "Texans have zero tolerance for those who peddle products meant to mimic illegal drugs," Abbott said in a prepared statement. (Really? Hmmm.) "This advertising campaign enticed young people with illegal drug references and false claims of health benefits," he (decidedly, without a hint of irony) continued. "The Office of the Attorney General will continue to aggressively enforce this state's consumer protection laws to ensure that Texans will not be deceived by the marketing of unapproved drugs."

And how does Abbott know Cocaine is being marketed as a drug? Well, according to a press release, because the company's claims that Cocaine drinkers – or as Abbott refers to them, "users" – can "get high and feel euphoric make the product a drug." I hate to break it to the AG, but if that's the standard they're going to use, they best be gettin' busy over there with their lawsuit filing, 'cause I can think of a few more things that make you feel euphoric but don't carry the apparently requisite FDA seal of approval. How about sex? Or yoga? Or long-distance running? Shit, some people really dig curling, bowling, or frog gigging. What about those recreational pleasures? What about the children? What will they think if some sexyass curler comes dusting a puck down their street, scantily clad, with that come-hither look?

Okay. That's ridiculous. But see, so is the current state of this legal action against the makers of Cocaine. Let's just hope the AG's office has a few enticed and aggrieved young people up its sleeve (probably also illegal) to put up on the witness stand when this whole matter comes up for trial – currently scheduled for Nov. 11.

In the meantime, though, it looks like Redux is moving on: Earlier this month the company announced it would cease distribution of Cocaine, followed by a May 11 announcement that it would soon be marketing a new energy drink called Censored.

Think of it as New Coke.