goop MRKT Austin Pops Up on South Congress

Watch out, goop fans. Gwyneth Paltrow and Co. have brought their wares – yoni eggs and all – to town. From Friday, March 1 (just in time for the South By Southwest wave) through Sunday, April 28, goop MRKT Austin will be popped up on South Congress and selling everything from home goods to sexual health supplies.

Though largely heterosexualized, shoppers can choose from the Frenchman, Millionaire, Tennis Coach, or Fireman “Smile Maker” vibrators. Too bold? Go more discreet with a vibrator necklace. Sadly, I didn’t measure the chain length, so verdict’s out on whether you have to take the necklace off for use. Meanwhile, goop’s infamous jade egg may have been pulled from its inventory, but crystal eggs abound to “harness the power of energy work, crystal healing, and a Kegel-like physical practice.” Burning sage around the egg is recommended to “clear the energy.” A smudging of your ...yoni..., if you will. Not a fan of sage, like me? Don’t fret, you can charge your Kegel crystals by the light of the full moon.

Don’t have time for that morning coffee? goop’s got you covered there, too, thanks to their special brand of soft chews. Nerd Alert provides a caffeine rush, while Perfect Attendance guarantees immune support – and tastes like a blackberry starburst. Knock Me Out, which they didn’t sample, is a bite of chocolate melatonin to support beauty rest.

Of course, goop isn’t really about selling one-off pieces or vag eggs – it’s about selling Paltrow’s well-marketed lifestyle. In fact, her face shines from numerous books on how to attain goop perfection, mostly in the form of cookbooks. From high-end yoga mats and foam rollers to all natural deodorants, body oils, and beauty products, the store is divided into four well-curated, instagrammable sections perfect for all your #selfcare and social media needs.

Though we’ve yet to receive the schedule, we’re told by goop affiliates that the popup space will also host events over the next two months. We can only hope the color therapist sticks around, but we can’t be sure. Find goop MRKT Austin at 1204 South Congress through April 28.