The Luv Doc: Freedom Fry Day

Dear Luv Doc,

It’s Fourth of July this week and while I love the holiday, I don’t like spending it with my boyfriend and his friends. Two of them have ski boats and they basically spend the whole day binge drinking and swimming (floating around) in the middle of the lake getting sunburned. There is never anything to eat but hot dogs and hamburgers and the only way to pee is to jump in the water. It’s not the worst time, but a whole day of it is too much. The only time it really gets nice is when we watch Mattress Mack’s fireworks, but usually by then everyone is drunk or sleepy and cranky and then we have to help get the boats out of the water and take everything off the boats. Honestly it’s a lot of work. I would rather just stay in Austin, hang out at the pool and then drive down to see the fireworks like I used to do. It’s a lot less hassle, but I know my boyfriend won’t go for it. I know it’s only one day, but it’s a really long day. Should I proclaim my independence and miss “all the fun,” or party at Lake Travis to celebrate independence?

– Not a Lake Girl

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Let me just say up front that while I truly would to have provided strong guidance on your Independence Day decision – whatever it was – this column will have to serve as advice for the Fourth of July 2025, which I think we can safely say at this point will be some sort of horrifying, dystopian Kristallnacht of MAGA-hatted, khaki-wearing, Hawaiian-shirted incels running amok with the full approval of their orange-headed führer thanks to the debate debacle and the recent decision of our Doritos Crunchwrap Supreme® Court. If only we could have imagined that the highest court in the land could be easily bought off with flight upgrades, fishing trips, and presumably some quiet time contemplating the brute artistry of Hitler’s early paintings. “Are you misting up, Clarence? Let me get you a Nazi napkin!” We might have prevented the unthinkable – and I’m not just talking about the disturbing image of a Brett Kavanaugh frat bro boofing sesh, I’m talking about Roe v. Wade.

But look, I am not going to sit here and whine about how freedom and democracy have taken an ugly turn in the last 40 years – certainly not in an issue that’ll likely be distributed on National French ... excuse me ... Freedom Fry Day. If the Great American Experiment takes a nosedive into some sort of nitwit-run dictatorship, it will be because all the smart, decent people were too fat and happy to step up to the plate. It will be because 30% of eligible American voters decided they couldn’t be bothered to make an insanely simple choice at the ballot box.

It’s not like Al Gore is running against G Dub again. This should not be a close race. This isn’t 2016. The Democrats aren’t timidly trying to sell the novel idea of a female presidential candidate. No, they’ve bravely thrown their support behind a handsy old man with the looks of the cryptkeeper, but none of the personality. Has he been getting shit done? Yes, he has, but given the absolute odiousness of the Republican option, I think the Dems could earn some serious street cred by offering Americans a real choice. Her name is Kamala ... remember? And if she’s not available, Jasmine Crockett is surely ready to rumble. To quote a widely quoted former GOP voter, “I would rather vote for the corpse of Biden than Trump’s lying face.” I think there is an opportunity here to do something magnificent.

Let me just state for the record that on the Fourth of July this year I felt hopeful, even though Andrew McCarthy might be getting too old to convincingly animate Joe’s face while propping up his head. Americans will surely choose Joe Biden, right? Even if Kamala has to wheel him out in an iron lung for the inauguration. If I’m wrong, you’re going to need to cozy up to the idea of celebrating America’s independence by binge drinking and peeing in Lake Travis while listening to Kid Rock and getting sunburned. That said, I hope this year you proclaimed your independence and did what you wanted to do – especially since it’s obvious you’ve tried the alternative on previous occasions. If your boyfriend isn’t willing to compromise every once in while, maybe independence is the way to go. That’s a what a patriot would do.