The Luv Doc: STFU

Dear Luv Doc,

Me and a work friend go out regularly to lunch. We usually take my car because it’s nicer and I like to drive. Last Friday we were driving along listening to Spotify – well, I was trying to listen to Spotify but she was jabbering along about some guy she hooked up with – and a song I really love (“Not Fair” by Lily Allen) came on, so I said something like, “Oh, I really love this song,” and I turned up the volume but she kept talking even louder like I hadn’t said anything, so I pulled over to the side of the road and said, “I really want to hear what you’re saying, but first can we listen to this song? It’s one of my favorites.” She stopped talking and let me listen, but she was extra quiet for the rest of the ride, and when we got to the restaurant she asked if we could get it to go because she remembered she had “some work to do.” This week she has barely spoken to me and is clearly upset. I don’t want to lose her as a friend, but I wasn’t being rude to her, I was just trying to listen to the song. And should I even apologize to her if she’s going to be so sensitive?

 – Ready to Listen

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I don’t understand how your friend doesn’t understand that the only proper way to listen to Lily Allen is with hushed reverence. What next? Is she going to take a robocall from CapitalOne® in the middle of the farmhouse scene from Inglourious Basterds? Is she going to do the old-man Six Flags dance during the consecration of the Eucharist? Is she going to fart loudly during the national anthem? Well, OK, as far as the NFL and Jerry Jones are concerned, that’s better than taking a knee, but goddammit, is nothing sacred?!?!

Maybe she thought you were using “Not Fair” by Lily Allen to imply that the guy she hooked up with is really nice but a terrible lover? How would you even know that? I can’t imagine that he’s someone you have already hooked up with – like a co-worker – because that conversation is the kind of conversation where you pull over and turn down the Spotify. “Hey there, probably should have mentioned this earlier, but ...” That’s just basic office etiquette. It’s probably in the employee handbook.

And then, of course, there is the small possibility that she is upset because you basically told her to STFU mid-sentence in her hookup soliloquy so you could lean into a song about a really nice guy who is an ungenerous lover. Look, I get it: Your car, your rules. If you’re riding with me and “Hey Ya” starts playing, you better at least come correct with the three claps and the Polaroid picture shaking or I am stopping the Ram Van and letting you the fuck out. I can’t tolerate a co-pilot who doesn’t support my bold vision for an uninhibited America.

But, on the whole, pretty much throughout the known universe, not one likes to be told to shut up – certainly not mid-sentence. If you’re going to go there – justified or unjustified – you are just begging for some clapback. STFU is an exceptionally hard message to convey without bringing some serious teacher’s aide vibe. “Look everybody! The narc wants us to shush!” Shussshing is almost solely responsible for the decline of folk music. Folkies got too damn precious about the lyrics. Nothing like a tie-dye-wearing bluehair hissing, “Shussh everybody! Bob is going to sing us an insanely repetitive 16-minute blues song about disappointment” to deepen your appreciation for Sam Cooke. Say what you will about his personal life, the man knew how to wrap up a song.

Anyway, my point is, that perhaps in your enthusiasm to share one of your favorite songs with your friend, you failed to recognize the sweetest song to most people is the sound of their own voice. Sometimes you have to let that melody exhaust itself before you go in for the kill. That’s just basic etiquette. It’s probably in the employee handbook, so for the sake of your friendship and likely the sanity of your co-workers, go apologize, but stand firm on your reverence for the work of Lily Allen. You’re absolutely right about that.