The Luv Doc: Cowardice

Dear Luv Doc,

Why do people feel like it’s OK to ghost someone after several dates? I keep getting ghosted by supposedly nice guys, even after we have gone on several dates. The conversations are good and the sex – when that happens – is good too, but then just when I think we are really hitting it off, poof! It’s like I don’t even exist. I would think there is something wrong with me but I have plenty of friends who complain about this too. Also, I keep running into guys who have ghosted me at different places around town, which makes it even more awkward because I don’t want to have anything to do with them. Austin is a big city, but it’s not that big. Is there something wrong with Austin men, or am I just choosing the wrong ones?

 – Waiting on a Text

I think it’s safe to say that anyone who ghosts someone is either a coward or a psychopath. Sure, I should probably give most men – and women – the benefit of the doubt, but thankfully I am not in the business of validating deplorable behavior. If you don’t want to be labeled a coward, don’t do cowardly shit. It’s pretty simple – just like Greg Abbott. And look, I know I am hard on Abbott, but if cowardice ever had a standard bearer, it would definitely be Governor Greg ... or maybe Ted Cruz, but Cruz doesn’t maintain a residence (lair?) in our fair city, so the yellow flag goes to the Lone Star State’s largest Roomba. I guess everything really is bigger in Texas!

Now I know there are probably a lot of deplorables who will argue that ghosting really is the most humane way to let someone down easy. After all, who really wants to hear about how they don’t meet someone else’s standards? That’s a really hard convo for sure, but that’s what grownup people do. They have the really hard conversations – and here’s the interesting thing: After you’ve had enough really hard conversations, you learn how to communicate in a way that doesn’t crush someone’s ego unnecessarily, make them feel like shit, or make you look like a steaming asshole. Or, and this might come as a surprise to the really irredeemable deplorables: You learn to avoid putting yourself in situations that can only end with really awkward and uncomfortable conversations. I know for some that might seem impossible, but trust me: Grown-ass people do this all the time.

Also, I second your assertion that Austin is a small town. Yes, it might be an increasingly douchey small town with waaay too many pornstaches, flat-brimmed hats, and Instagram “influencers” yammering about “secret bars” that we “shouldn’t sleep on,” but it’s a small town nonetheless, especially when you consider that Small Victory is literally right across the street from Here Nor There. The chance that a deplorable will run into the person they ghosted after a date at either of those places is like 1,000%. Sure, they could go to any of the other 10? 15? 50? other secret bars in Austin (whose names I will not reveal out of respect for their secretness) but sooner or later, they’re going to run out of secret bars and they’re going to have to debase themselves by drinking at regular bars, like some sort of gross townie.

Now, while I know none of this priceless information is in any way useful to you, I can say that once someone ghosts you, there is no better indication of who they are, even if it causes you to be a bit unsure of who you are. Alas, that’s pretty much the human condition, and the only way to address that insecurity is to work every day on becoming the type of awesome, fascinating person you would love to have drinks with at one of Austin’s 200 “secret bars.”