The Luv Doc: Trending Lately

Dear Luv Doc,

I really enjoy your newspaper and I think it is great. However, I would like to possibly see more sections about cryptocurrency, as it has been trending lately.Thanks.

– David

Cryptocurrency has been trending lately? Are you fucking kidding me? Did you literally just crawl out of a crypt? Bitcoin started in 2009. That was 15 years ago. Fuck you David. If you had said "artificial intelligence," "Luka Dončić triple double," or maybe "Trump farts," I might have jumped on your bandwagon, but crypto? Come on bro. It's like you think everyone who works at the Chronicle is some sort of feckless simpleton just because we're still dragging around the Weekend at Bernie’s corpse of print journalism. "If I can get those rubes at the Chronicle to write about crypto, maybe I can dump some of this shit-eating Helium I bought after listening to a Joe Rogan podcast." Just ick, David. Ick. Preying on the bluehairs with get-rich-quick crypto schemes is so 2016. Again, have you even heard of AI? In the future, the only sleazebags emptying out boomers' 401(k)s will be artificial – like yourself – and they won't be hawking crypto. It will be two-hour workweeks and super-slutty robot sex slaves. Even Ashton Kutcher is doing a reverse cowgirl on AI, so don't be coming 'round here with your broke-ass crypto grift. We're too busy trying to figure out what soft drugs are, where we can get some, and why the Nederlanders hate Nikki Minaj. Maybe Meek Mill is Pennsylvania Dutch.

And while we’re at it, David, everybody knows that the most valuable currency is self-respect. That shit is priceless, and it is my most sincere hope that you tap into an enormous vein of it someday. Don’t get me wrong, money is great. Hell, crypto is probably great too – at least once we figure out how to throw it into the top hat tip bucket of some embarrassingly awkward street mime to make him go away – but no matter how much money you make, it’s never going to fill the deep chasm of your tortured, benighted soul. That gnawing, empty, disconnected loneliness you’re feeling right now will still be there once you’ve grabbed the golden ring. Money won’t fix it then any more than it will fix it now. If you can learn to be happy regardless of the size of your bank account, then you will truly be a wealthy man.

Think about it. Even if you could be Elon Musk, would you? How about Jeff Bezos? Or Mohammed bin Salman? Sure, flying around in your own private 747 and dicing up critical journalists on a whim might be fun for a while, but in the end, you still have to sleep with yourself ... or someone who pretends to like you but is low-key hate-fucking you. You know ... like Grimes and Elon Musk. Don’t tell Techno Mechanicus, but mommy just wanted a new house.

Look, alls I’m saying is: Crypto might be fascinating, and it indeed might be your – and arguably the world’s – salvation, but like any other currency, it’s useless unless it’s attached to something of real value, like soft drugs or maybe one of those super-slutty robot sex slaves, which you just know you’re going to have to rent because they will be more expensive than a new iPhone. Therefore, I am going to advise you to give up on crypto and start investing in yourself – even if it takes the rest of your life, which it surely will. It’s truly the best investment you can make.