The Luv Doc: Resolve

Dear Luv Doc,

I gave up on all my New Year's resolutions in 2023. I quit my gym membership because going to the gym was really eating into my free time and not having much of an effect on my waistline. I resolved to eat healthier, but I was spending hours in the kitchen making healthy foods you can't get at stores or restaurants (who has that kind of time?). I did manage to drink less for a while, but then I started smoking more weed and ended up binge eating on junk food a lot because who wants carrot sticks when they have the munchies? I work at a company where almost everyone is thinner, more attractive, and, let's be honest, healthier than me, and it seems like no matter what I try, I can't compete. I obviously don't have resolve. I always end up giving up because I feel like I am so far behind. Should I resolve not to make resolutions?  – The Chubby One

Personally, I see great things in your future! By all reports, 2024 is looking to be an exciting year – one that could end with America plunging irretrievably into a frightening, idiotic, pseudo-fascist, narcissist dictatorship based solely on voters' fears that a reasonably accomplished woman (gasp!) of color (gasp!) might ascend to the presidency due to the timely death of the current marginally palatable president. Or maybe at some point in the coming year Democrats will stop acting like whiny fucking morons and realize that even though Sleepy Joe is maybe not their first choice, he is clearly their only choice. Even a toddler knows that when offered the choice of a questionably aged banana and a bag of toxic, acrid diarrhea, you choose the fucking banana. Sorry. Where was I? Oh yeah, the exciting possibilities of 2024!

Also on tap for 2024 is the frighteningly rapid ascendancy of artificial intelligence, which, TBH, can't come soon enough. Given America's voting record in the last seven years, I think it's totally reasonable to let some robot overlords have a crack before we elect another slate of D-average private school hall monitors. What? You think AI is going to fuck up worse than Ted Cruz, Mitch McConnell, Marjorie Taylor Greene, or the Supreme Court? And here in Austin ... how much worse could it be if an actual Roomba® were the governor rather than a figurative one? What if Dan Patrick were replaced by a Fleshlight®? Simmer down, Fleshlight®, that's not a ringing endorsement. And what about Crooked Ken the Attorney Gen? Are you telling me a Dollar Tree® calculator watch couldn't do a more honest job?

OK, so here's my resolution: Stay on topic. To wit: No, you should absolutely NOT resolve not to make resolutions, just make smaller ones. In the age of social media, everybody wants to be best. No one is satisfied with just being better. We all want to drop 30 pounds, learn flamenco guitar and jazz accordion, and win the Capitol 10,000, and we want to do it by next week. That's not how life works. You can't watch a ballet TikTok on Sunday and be a prima ballerina on Monday. Resolve to be better – just a little bit better. Doing five jumping jacks a day seems silly but you know what? It's healthier than no jumping jacks per day – and it takes you like, what? 10 seconds? Pretty soon you're up to 50 without even thinking about it, and if you can bust out 50 jumping jacks in a day, you're not only doing better than you were, you're doing better than probably 70% of Americans. That goes for just about anything. You would be amazed how little resolve is needed to spend five minutes a day learning Spanish ... or HTML ... or Appalachian clogging. Never before in the history of humankind have there been more – or more accessible – resources for self-improvement. You just need to find the small things that add up to the big things and work on them slowly and steadily. Stay humble and don't get too far out over your skis. You're just a stupid meat puppet after all, but over time, with a modest amount of resolve, you'll be amazed at how much smarter, healthier, and more accomplished a meat puppet you've become. More importantly, you might even realize that the journey is more fulfilling than the destination.