The Luv Doc: Jesus Is Watching
West Lake left the Luv Doc off the pool party list
By The Luv Doc, Fri., Aug. 4, 2023
Dear Luv Doc,
I was invited by an old friend to a pool party on Sunday and there were a lot of people there I haven't seen since before the pandemic. Most of the people at the party I didn't know, but there was a decent-sized group of people I haven't seen since my college days, so I ended up catching up with the ones I knew. One of them was my ex-girlfriend who was there with her husband of at least 10 years. He looked uncomfortable so I decided to go strike up a conversation with him. We have talked a few times at social events over the years, but not a whole lot, so I thought this might be a chance to get to know him better. The first thing I noticed about him was how much more tanned he was than the rest of the people at the party, so the first words out of my mouth were, "So, are you a big swimmer?" He looked confused and said, "No," so I said ... "Oh, well do you play a lot of golf?" He said no again, so I said, "Usually when I meet someone who has a really good tan they are either a golfer or a swimmer ... or a car salesman." He looked mildly annoyed and quietly said, "I tan." I had been drinking and it was noisy outside and I didn't hear him very well, so I leaned in and said, "What?" He looked even more annoyed and said, "I tan. I go to a tanning salon once a week." I was surprised, so I said, "Oh," and he casually turned around and walked off in the other direction. He avoided me for the rest of the party, too, so I never found out why I upset him. So here's where you come in: Did I do something wrong? Is there some sort of rule against old boyfriends talking to husbands? What am I missing here?
– Wounded in West Lake
If I had a nickel for every time someone casually turned and walked away from me at a West Lake pool party I would be ... well ... flat broke. What I want to know is: What kind of monster throws a pool party in West Lake and doesn't invite the Luv Doc? That right there is some seriously fucked up shit. That said, I refuse to believe that the West Lake Municipal Utility District is entirely populated with Dahmers and Epsteins. There are probably some really nice people who live in West Lake even though I don't remember actually meeting any. That's on West Lake though. Y'all know how to get hold of me.
Anyway, did you do something wrong? Well, you weren't the one throwing the pool party, I gather, so you're off the hook as far as I'm concerned. We can probs still be friends. However, I don't know how things work in West Lake, but in general, you shouldn't comment on other people's appearances in a social setting unless it's plainly obvious that you're offering a compliment. Even then, things can go sideways. You can't just look at a man in a tight spandex slingshot and say, "Sick python, bro," because, even West Lake poolside, that constitutes sexual harassment. In fact, anything that has to be spelled out in the average employee handbook is something you should probably avoid in all social situations – just to be safe.
Goddamn, the future is confusing, isn't it? Time was, you could look a fellow pool partyer square in the eye and comment about the breathtaking enormity of his junk without fear of social recrimination – like Burt Reynolds playing Jack Horner in Boogie Nights. Those days are long gone, my friend, just like Burt's dope-ass porn director neckerchief. Over the last 50 or so years we have discovered that men have feelings too, and we have to be sensitive to them – like an extra-thin condom – or they might throw a man tantrum and cut loose with an assault weapon.
Look, I am not going to sit here on my high horse and tell you that your West Lake poolside party prattle was weak sauce. That opening gambit seemed pretty legit to me, but you never know where dudes' heads are these days. Who knows? He might have been right in the middle of torturous imaginings of your alabaster ass mounting his wife back in college. Or, maybe he was self-conscious about overdoing it at the tanning booth that week. You just can't know. Don't take it personal. It's societal. Society is out to get you because you live in West Lake and West Lake left the Luv Doc off the pool party list. You know what you have to do. Jesus is watching.
