The Luv Doc: Stand by Your Man

Dear Luv Doc,

Is it proper for a man to demand that a woman fake an orgasm? Maybe it's a nuanced thing? Nothing absolute either way? Perhaps it's only acceptable when she decides to do it? So, when a woman picks a man, how much of him is she really stuck with supporting? His fantasy or her reality? Time to "Stand by Your Man"? I wonder if the answer to the question is just one more thing that divides along political lines? No matter, I'm getting weary; weary of this endless running of the presidential version of the Caine Mutiny on every (mostly) conservative news channel. Nothing has changed about Joe, except his popularity seems to be heading south. However, what does running endless montages of his most current stumbles, literal and figurative, do to help me or help the country? Why does it matter? He's still the president for everyone. Expressing some enthusiasm for your choice would be an appropriate antidote to this sort of pointless news coverage in my opinion. Whenever you on the left get polled about old Joe and whether or not you are still into him, at least try to fake an orgasm. Is that too much to ask?

– Getting Weary

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I love that you seem to think that when a woman fakes an orgasm she does so in order to assuage the man's ego and reassure him about his sexual prowess. That is a delightfully optimistic take. "Thanks honey! I really appreciate you letting me off the hook for not taking the time or making the effort to learn how to sexually satisfy you! You're the best! Because of your patience and support, my fragile male ego is still intact!"

If I may, perhaps I can offer an equally plausible reason a woman might fake an orgasm: She might be thinking, "What is the fastest, easiest thing I can do to get this blundering, grunting, pile-driving piece of dead weight off me so I can get some goddamn sleep?" And there you have it: When Harry Met Sally... restaurant scene. Oh ... what ... you've never seen When Harry Met Sally...? That might explain your gross misunderstanding about why females fake orgasms in the first place. It's because she's tired, and she knows that even if she asks you for something nonpenetrative, you're probably going to rub her button like a Webelos trying to start a campfire without matches. Just ... STOP.

So obviously no. Never. It is never OK to demand that a woman fake an orgasm. It's the 21st century. There's no reason you shouldn't have at least marginal competence pleasuring a woman. Read a fucking book. Google it if you have ADD. There's probably even a few thousand TikToks. No one should ever have to fake an orgasm. It's frustrating and exhausting to ignore someone's blithering incompetence. I am always puzzled why this is so hard to understand.

I remember when Trump was running for office, I would say to my Trump-supporting friends, "He seems really buffoonish and doesn't appear to have any real policy plans other than giving tax breaks to the rich and building a wall and making Mexico pay for it," and they would respond, "Well, ignore what he says. He is going to put a really great team together and they are going to do really great things." And then, we witnessed a four-year dumpster fire followed by the first American coup attempt, and still a disturbing percentage of Americans seem to be saying, "Yeah, his last term didn't go so well, but this next time he's going to do some really great things if he can just declare martial law and round up the libtards."

By electing Biden, America basically said, "No, we are not going to fake this orgasm any longer, we want a president with actual competence, who actually gets shit did." Is he senile? Maybe. Can he ride a fucking bike? Debatable. Can he pass a $1.2 trillion infrastructure plan, rejoin the Paris Climate Agreement, and end the longest war in American history by pulling American troops out of Afghanistan? Like a goddamn BOSS. He can also take the withering criticism, condemnation, and ridicule because he is an actual grownup, and not a whiny, petulant child. My guess is that he understands that true competence and strong character will outlast all the sniping and backbiting. But seriously though ... what the fuck was he thinking with those cluster bombs? We should probably get him in for a mental health check.