The Luv Doc: A Better Passenger

Dear Luv Doc,

Driving with my girlfriend scares the f**k out of me! Today she swerved across three lanes on I-35 without signaling and when I called her on it she said, "There wasn't anyone behind me." She is always going too fast when we come up to a stoplight, and when I brace for impact she gets annoyed and says, "What are you doing?" like I'm the one who is doing something wrong. Anytime I say something about her driving she says, "Unlike some people, I've never wrecked my car," because I had a fender bender (hit a pole I didn't see in a parking lot) and my car has been in the body shop for the last few weeks. She thinks she's a better driver because she has never had a wreck or even gotten a ticket. It's only a matter of time before she does have a wreck and it won't be cheap because she drives an E-Class coupe. I am getting my car back from the shop next week and I won't have to ride everywhere with her, but until then, what is the best way to get her to be a better driver?

– Shotgun Willie

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I feel like I need to clear this up right from the start: Your girlfriend is a better driver. I mean, don't get me wrong, I think it's absolutely adorable that you feel confident enough to strongly voice your opinion, but the statistics tell a different story. Your girlfriend has zero tickets and zero accidents. Your car is in the shop because you hit a pole. Statistics don't lie. If this was Moneyball, you'd be getting traded to the Braves. You're like a meth addict complaining that his girlfriend has bad dental hygiene because she doesn't floss. Instead of bracing for impact and offering driving critiques, you should be taking notes.

Now look, I get it. Trusting someone with your life can be really scary – especially if someone doesn't behave exactly as you would in a similar situation. There have been times in my life ... and I am not necessarily proud of this ... when I didn't use my turn signal. Yes, I broke la ley. For instance: There are some roads in rural West Texas that I am pretty sure haven't seen any traffic other than the occasional jackalope in years, and when I hang a Louie on one of those desolate West Texas roads it seems pointless to engage my turn signal. For whom is this performative safe driving gesture intended? Jesus? Wonder Woman in her invisible plane? Aliens? Man, fuck aliens. What have they ever done for us? The pyramids? Stonehenge? Crop circles? What are we supposed to do with that shit? At least Jesus left us with a ridiculously implausible fairy tale that led to centuries of political and social oppression. The pyramids don't even work. I mean, come on. All that effort and not even a decent laser beam?

Anyway, if my friend Marcus was in the passenger's seat at that lonely West Texas crossroads – a place so desolate even the devil wouldn't travel there to make a deal for someone's soul – Marcus would surely chastise me for failing to signal. I would ignore him of course. Maybe I would tell him I can't hear what he is saying because Wonder Woman is behind us pounding on her invisible horn. Why would I ignore Marcus? Because the aforementioned complaint would not be a helpful safety tip but rather a neurotic attempt to exercise control over a situation that needs none. Case in point: I have never been rear-ended by Wonder Woman ... or aliens ... or at least if I did get rear-ended by aliens, they were thoughtful enough to erase the experience from my memory. Judging by certain subreddits I've seen, not everyone has been so lucky.

Like me, Willie, you are also lucky. For one thing, your girlfriend is willing to drive you places after you wrecked your own car. In addition, she hasn't killed or injured you yet. Consider yourself #blessed. Also, she drives an E-Class coupe, which, if the Mercedes website is to be believed, has 429 horsepower and can go from zero to sixty in 4.3 seconds. Jesus, that's fast. Maybe what you're feeling isn't fear but excitement ... or perhaps the unsettling sensation of your cerebrospinal fluid rushing to the back of your skull. Just be glad she didn't buy a Tesla Model S. Those bastards go zero to sixty in 2.6 seconds. I can't even scream, "Slow down!" that fast. Wow, I guess I really am a true Texan! Anyway, you probably can't make your girlfriend a better driver, but I feel confident that you can become a better passenger. You just have to stay calm and have faith.