The Luv Doc: Pedal to the Metal

Dear Luv Doc,

I'm a 43-year-old sales rep who somehow ended up in a friend group with some people in their late 20s/early 30s who go out most nights of the week – craft breweries, live music shows, restaurants etc., etc. I don't think about the age difference a lot because they are fun to hang out with, but when I do meet people my own age, they're always like, "Why are you hanging out with all these kids?" My sister says it's like I'm stuck in a never-ending midlife crisis. I don't feel like I am in a crisis. I feel like I am just being me. Should I start trying to find people my own age to hang out with, or should I just accept that I will always be the old guy? – The Old Guy

I know I've probably said this before, but I do love a good humblebrag. Humility, even when it's transparently insincere, is better than no humility at all, right? Someone with absolutley no humility is essentially a psychopath. I mean, sure, learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all and whatnot, but learning that you're not the only lovable person on the planet is also important. In fact, it's an essential element in getting other people to love you. That is why when accepting awards, celebrities often make the moronic statement, "I am so humbled," which is essentially an awkward admission that they lack either the wit or vocabulary to make a convincing argument that they aren't an insufferable egomaniac who is undeserving of the love and recognition the award represents. If you're one of the surely countless celebrities that read this column, here's a hot tip: When you win an award, you're honored. Just say it: "I'm honored." You could also be grateful ... even immensely grateful, but don't say you're humbled because that just sounds fucking stupid, regardless of what you actually mean.

Anyway, congratulations Old Guy! Statistically there's a really good chance you're going to die before any of your friends. Just think of what you'll save on funeral bouquets! You also probably won't have to spend your golden years listening to your friends groan when they get out of chairs, snore during movies, or complain about weird abdominal pains they're pretty sure might be cancer or something. Honestly I can't think of a downside to having younger friends other than skinny jeans and emojis. If I want to communicate in adorable hieroglyphics I will scrawl them onto a cave wall. Hopefully a few millennia from now, members of some super-advanced robotic master race will spelunk into Natural Bridge Caverns on an archeological expedition and find, "Hey boo, I want to eggplant your peach!" painted on the limestone in pink Day-Glo Sharpie and they will know that exterminating the human race was the right call.

I mean, kids these days, right? Their beer's too bitter, their weed's too strong, and their pronouns are plural even when they're a party of one. It's enough to make you get out of your rocking chair and shake your trembling, liver-spotted, clenched fist in anger ... at least for a second or two until your sciatica flares up. Better sit back down, old guy, before you break a hip.

So sure, you could find some older people to hang with, but their skin is leathery and wrinkled and they drink Coors unironically. Who does that? Look, I am not saying that older people aren't infinitely more interesting than younger people – especially in meatspace – but they're a lot of work. You have to listen to their voicemails. You have to look at pictures of their kids/pets. You have to re-explain crypto to them again and again. In other words, don't go barking up that tree unless you have a real boner for old folks. The people telling you to stay in your lane are always the ones driving too fucking slow. I say pedal to the metal, Old Guy. Hopefully you're old enough to know what that actually means.