Luv Doc: Getting Ditched

Dear Luv Doc,

I went to a concert Thursday with a good friend, and as we were leaving she suggested we go to an afterparty one of her friends was throwing. At first I told her I didn't want to go because I don't really know this group of people (they are her work friends), but she was very persistent and finally talked me into going. It was really crowded when we got there and I really needed to pee and there was a small line in the hallway. To her credit my friend stood there with me even though she didn't have to go, but then a work friend pulled her away to introduce her to her boyfriend. When I got out of the bathroom, I couldn't find her anywhere. I tried texting her but she didn't answer so I ended up asking some random people if they had seen her. After about 20 minutes of searching, I found her smoking a joint with two of her co-workers on lawn chairs in the backyard. It was so dark I could barely even see them. They asked me to join them but I don't smoke pot so I went to get a beer and then she disappeared again! I tried texting again … nothing. Then I found her up on the balcony talking to some other people. By this time I was really angry and so I told her I was going home. She gave me a hurt look and said she would catch a ride home with "someone." The next day she texted me and said that she was really hurt that I just ditched her at that party and she hasn't talked to me since. I can't believe she doesn't even understand why I was upset. Like I ditched her? Am I being crazy here or is she?

– Designated Ditcher

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First of all, that sounds like a great party! It's a pity you missed it chasing after your friend all night. She sounds like a real social butterfly. Whattaya gonna do though? When you gotta go you gotta go! You can't relax in an unfamiliar social setting with your eyeballs floating. I know I can't. I probably would have ditched that hallway line and availed myself of that super dark backyard. Sure, it might get awkward with the pot smokers, but when you live outside the law you have to tolerate certain eccentricities. Also, I am not particularly pee shy but I don't need the added pressure of a bunch of drunk partygoers banging on the door telling me to hurry it up. That said, I know plenty of people who are uncomfortable making water in the great outdoors, so to each her own. I just had the good fortune (?) to grow up in a really rural-adjacent setting where peeing outdoors was commonplace. It's commonplace in Central Austin too, but those Yorkie-walking condo-dwellers can be a bit judgy when they see someone peeing outdoors as they take their dog to pee outdoors.

Dammit. Now I have to pee. OK, where was I? Oh yeah: your social anxiety. Sheesh. That's a tough one. Not everyone likes parties. Even fewer people are willing to openly admit they don't like parties – I guess maybe for fear that people will stop inviting them to parties? Anyway, it doesn't matter. You get to like what you like and vice-versa. You may not like parties. No shame in that. Or maybe you actually do like parties, but only if you already know everyone at the party. That's not an uncommon thing. In fact, I think most people are uncomfortable if not downright terrified of social situations where they don't know anybody. That's probably a healthy fear. Historically things have not gone well for strangers. These days people are much less likely to get savagely buggered or cooked in a stew, but the anxiety remains. Who knows? Maybe your brain is encoded with epigenetic trauma caused by some socially overconfident Neolithic ancestor who wandered up the wrong holler.

Regardless, short of spending a few decades in reversion therapy or maybe Toastmasters, you're probably best just playing the hand you've been dealt, and that means being honest with yourself and others about your social anxiety. Now, I know you initially told your friend you didn't want to go to that party, but you didn't hold the line and things went badly for both of you. Yes, it's absolutely on her for not recognizing your level of discomfort and shepherding you through it, but it's also on you for not digging in and setting that boundary. Call your friend. Tell her you made a mistake and will try not to let it happen again – and yes, you might not get invited to as many parties, but you might get to keep a friend instead of having to make a new one.