The Luv Doc: Already Failing

Now that the smothering heat of August has settled in for a sweaty cuddle and the squirrels are all spread-eagled on shady sidewalks in adorable little Wile E. Coyote face-plants, it's time once again for the annual return of college students. Nothing lifts the spirits higher than the sight of a fresh-faced kid from Kalamazoo death-marching across the asphalt parking lot at Target with his parents to buy a fan that will turn his Jester dorm room into the collegiate equivalent of an air fryer. Is it always this hot? Yes. Yes it is. And we look forward to buying your wool sweaters at Goodwill, because there's a decent chance the power grid will fail in February.

Yes, I know that sounds a bit opportunistic and perhaps predatory, but this old goat has seen scores of freshman classes descend on Austin like wintertime grackles on an H-E-B parking lot, and I think I have a decent sense of how this thing generally plays out. You're going to get an education, all right, just not the one you expected, so let's begin, shall we?

Hot tip No. 1: No one cares.

All that time you spend worrying about how you look, or how to act, or how to hold your hands while you're acting? No one cares – at least not for more than a few seconds, because they are going to need to check their Insta. Your challenge isn't to curate how people think about you, it's to get them to think about you at all. Good luck with that. There's a lot of competition. Don't despair, I'm about to toss you the keys. If you want people to be interested in you, be interested in the world. Unabashedly. Without reservation. That includes being interested in other people and what they're interested in. How do you do that? Ask them to tell you about themselves. Yes, some people will be assholes and refuse to play along, but stick with it and eventually you will find your people and you can all dork out on life together. It's magical. I highly recommend it. 4½ stars at least.

Hot tip No. 2: You are totally alone and no one loves you.

OK, might have gone a bit overboard with that one, right Jesus? However, the point is that everyone feels this way at some point or another – especially when they're in a new and unfamiliar place with so many stomach-sleeping squirrels that feels a lot like hell, at least temperaturewise. I'mma save you four years of heartache with this universal truth. Everyone ... everybody ... just wants to be loved and appreciated. Stop hanging your Billie Eilish poster and sit with that a minute. That poster is going to peel off the wall in a few minutes anyway because ... air fryer. All people really want is to be loved and appreciated – even fucking gargoyes like Donald Trump and Alex Jones. If you make a habit of showing other people love and appreciation, they will show it back, and your days and nights will be much richer for it.

Hot tip No. 3: Everything sucks.

As a person who regularly shits on things in print and conversationally, I am not unfamiliar with the allure of negativism. It's easy to find fault if you go looking for it, and there is a certain amount of catharsis to be had in airing of grievances. That's why we have Festivus ... every year ... on December 23 ... when you're home on break – ideally with family who will put up with your whining. The rest of the year I highly recommend being a beacon of light and positivity. How hard is that? Sometimes it's excruciatingly hard, but being good at something always takes practice, so practice gratitude daily. Be grateful. Every damn day. There is so much to be grateful for. Sit with that for a moment. I mean, fuck, you can afford college! Even if you can't afford college you got in! And nobody knows you're broke except that lady who smells like Yankee Candles in the Bursar's Office, and she don't snitch, so rejoice! You're in the top 10%! Maybe not academically but in the world. You are fucking crushing it just to be here, so show some appreciation ... also love (see tip No. 2), and you will get it back – plus maybe a degree or two at some point, but that's not why you're here, and if you think it is, you're already failing.