The Luv Doc: Cat Sitter

Dear Luv Doc,

In January my sister-in-law took a job as national sales rep for a company here in town. We were worried that if she took this job, she would be out of town a lot. She said she wasn't concerned because although she would have to travel a lot initially, once she was familiar with her clients she would have to travel less. Fast-forward six months and my husband and I have officially become full-time cat sitters to her three housecats. I would say that roughly three weeks out of every month either me or my husband have to drive to her apartment in South Austin to let her cats out and feed them twice a day. I told my husband that it is crazy that we are working so his sister can get paid. He said he would talk to her about it once things settle down, but that was two months ago. After another annoying drive to South Austin yesterday I told him from now on his sister's cats are his problem. He has been sulking ever since. Am I being unreasonable? I don't even like cats.

– Former Cat Sitter

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I usually counsel compassion and tolerance when it comes to cat people because there is a relatively high-percentage chance they are infected with Toxoplasma gondii, which has been linked to a wide variety of neurological disorders, including schizophrenia and psychotic episodes. Now, I know it may sound like I am saying cat people are fucking crazy, but I am not. I am saying scientists are saying a very high percentage of cat people have a parasite that might make them crazy, so maybe don't poke that bear, because you never know.

Thank god I am not a statistician, but if someone has three cats, it feels like they are three times as likely to have three times the amount of T. gondii bouncing around their intestines, doesn't it? Keep in mind, I am going with my gut here. As a nonscientist and a fake doctor, that makes a lot of sense to me. Truthfully, I don't know if that math works out. Like, is a cat person with 30 house cats 30 times as likely to be 30 times as schizophrenic as the average non-cat person? With the admittedly limited amount of empirical data I have gathered on cat people, that pretty much tracks, even though I realize that assertion has absolutely no basis in scientific method. As I said, I am going with my gut, which may well also be infected with T. gondii because, truth be told, I have done a bit of cat sitting in my day as well, although I never had to drive to South Austin in 2022 Austin traffic. That would be insane even for a blood relative … seriously, like parasite-in-the-intestines kind of crazy – which you clearly are not.

How do I know? Because you ain't with that shit. Maybe you got lucky and somehow dodged the T. gondii for the last six months. If so, well done. I am not so sure about your husband. Sometimes it's hard to know where familial obligation ends and parasite-induced mental psychosis begins. I never had a sister, so maybe that's a different kind of feel, but if one of my brothers had me driving to South Austin every day to feed his cats for six months while he gallavanted around the country schmoozing clients, I would happily tell him to go fuck himself. Of course, that's the kind of thing we don't even have to say out loud in my family, which, by the way, never had a cat as a pet. We did have a dog, but if memory serves me correctly, he departed for the rainbow bridge rather prematurely for his size and breed. Probably should have checked in with my dad about that before he departed for the rainbow bridge himself. Regrets are the spice of life. Otherwise, why would anybody even get tattoos?

So, yeah. I think you're being totally reasonable despite your husband's obvious neurological disorder … or love for his sister … whatever you want to call it. It's truly wonderful that your sinister-in-law has found gainful employment but not if it is going to be at you and your husband's expense. Bottom line: She needs to hire a cat sitter. They may be a bit pricey, but that's just danger pay for risking becoming schizophrenic. Well worth it in my opinion. If it's too much of a burden for her financially, I am sure your husband would be crazy enough to pitch in, so maybe don't suggest that.