The Luv Doc: Busting Chops

Dear Luv Doc,

A few months back I started dating an older woman – she's not much older, only a few years. We are both in our 20s, we both have advanced degrees, and we work in the same industry so we have a lot of the same friends. Even though I think we are well matched in a lot of ways, we are very different in others. I think I am what most people would call introverted. I prefer one-on-one conversations rather than big party chatter. My girlfriend is very extroverted and much prefers being around lots of people. I don't mind this difference. I find her very interesting and entertaining – as do a lot of other people. That's why I asked her out in the first place. As we have gotten to know each other better, it seems that she feels more and more comfortable criticizing me and making fun of me in front of other people. Most of the time I let it roll off my back, but occasionally it really infuriates me. I don't mind her criticizing me or teasing me when we're alone, but when other people are involved it feels more like betrayal. I don't think I am overly sensitive either. Some of our friends have commented (jokingly) that she really put me in my place in some conversation or another. Instead of cutting me down, she should be building me up and making me feel like we're a team, right? Isn't that what relationships are about?

– The Quiet One

---

Because I want to be sensitive to your sensitivity, I am going to resist the urge to criticize it, even though, being the youngest of four brothers, criticism is sort of my comfort zone. In fact, I think I can safely say that, among myself and my brothers, showing someone sincere, genuine affection was at best insufferably awkward and at worst an unforgivable sign of weakness. Teasing someone unmercifully on the other hand, especially about their haircut, fashion choices, hygiene habits, or their enthusiasm for the beaux or – god forbid – the belle arts was just about the only emotional exchange given or received.

Now I know there are plenty of people who, having read the preceding paragraph, are shaking their fists, angrily muttering phrases like "toxic masculinity," "patriarchy," and "unhealthy emotional repression." I get that. Guilty on all counts. I was well into my mid-30s before I was able to let go of my deep suspicion of siblings from other families who openly expressed affection for one another. Until then, when somebody said something like, "Me and my brother were best friends growing up," I would reflexively think, "This person probably has a crawl space filled with rotting hitchhiker corpses."

Yes, I now know that I was the one who was fucked up, but it took a minute, and then it took another 20 years or so to cozy up to emotional sincerity in any meaningful way. To be completely honest, I still struggle with it to this day, not because I am some hypermasculine douche bag – though I am sure there are those who would eagerly prosecute that case – but because avoiding sincere emotional exchanges is so deeply ingrained in my psyche that I actually have to make a conscious effort to notice when I'm avoiding them.

At this point I think it would be absolutely valid for you to say, "What the actual fuck does this have to do with the price of tea in China?" – the price of tea in China being, of course, your question about your girlfriend always criticizing you and making fun of you in public. My answer is this: There are lots of people who struggle with communicating their emotions effectively. Believe it or not, for some people, busting chops is how they show affection. Seems crazy, right? I am here to tell you, however, that whenever my brothers gave me shit about my mullet, my pierced ear, my white jeans, my white Members Only® leather jacket (which still makes me mist up, just thinking about it), or my propensity to regularly favor reading and music over hunting, fishing, and contact sports, I somehow intuitively knew that it was only because they cared about me. It was their fucked up, dysfunctional language of love. Oh, and by the way, the remainder of us get along famously these days and even, on occasion, awkwardly choke out the words, "I love you, man," in a mostly non-sarcastic way. That said, in all of my life, I have never doubted they were fully on my team. I could be wrong, but it's possible that when your girlfriend busts your chops, she might actually be showing affection in the only way she knows how. The only way you're ever going to find out is to make yourself emotionally vulnerable and tell her that this behavior is hurting you and endangering your relationship. You seem like a sensitive guy. I'm hoping this is right up your alley.