Luv Doc: A Happy Outcome

Dear Luv Doc,

My wife and I were fortunate to build a nice home in Central Austin almost 30 years ago when home and land costs were reasonable. We have made a few updates to the kitchen and master bathroom as time has passed, but other than some new paint, the house is basically the same as when we built it. Since the pandemic began, my wife has been spending an increasing amount of time watching HGTV and commenting on how nice and modern the "Fixer Uppers" and "Home Makeovers" turn out after a one-hour show.

Recently while I was at the breakfast table enjoying my coffee and reading the morning newspaper (yep, I am that old), she informed me that we needed to redo all the bathrooms in the house. We also needed to rip out the existing and functioning oven and replace it with a double oven that we would use when hosting large dinner parties.

I pointed out to her that we have not had any large dinner parties for the past year due to the ongoing pandemic and probably won't be having any large dinner parties for the next year or more. We have also not had any guests for quite a while for the same reason. My philosophy is, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

This has only solidified her position that she doesn't want to live in a museum of poor taste. I prefer to think of it as I am Michelangelo's David and she is Venus de Milo but that only aggravates her.

I don't care to spend the rest of my remaining short life with my house torn apart, surrounded by pickups, strangers running rampant throughout my house, and the total absence of privacy and afternoon sex.

Most of the older homes in our neighborhood when sold are now bulldozed to the ground or taken down to the studs and rebuilt with a unique black-and-white house with a flat roof that looks like the other dozen new black-and-white modern homes in the neighborhood. Renovating our house is equivalent to rearranging the chairs on the Titanic.

We are fortunate to have the money to perform the requested renovations, but I would rather spend it on travel and experiences than material objects that will fade in time and satisfaction. When the pandemic is over I would prefer to travel to civilized countries where half the population doesn't worship a lying, racist, narcissistic ex-reality show star, doesn't believe in absolute bullshit conspiracy theories, and doesn't try to overthrow the government whenever they lose an election. Is that asking too much?

So I ask you, is our relationship salvageable or is it a tear-down?

– Frozen in Time

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Whatever you do, don't compromise. As we have learned from Madison Avenue advertising executives for the last hundred years or so, people who compromise inevitably make shit – just big, heaping piles of turds, whereas the Howard Roarks of the world (feel free to substitute your Elon Musks, or your Steve Jobses, or your Mark Zuckerbergs ... or really any narcissistic, overprivileged, white male of your choosing) routinely create breathtaking works of genius.

So yeah, compromise is a shit sandwich no one wants to eat. You're either a winner, or a loser. Don't be one of those spineless cucks who puts the wants and needs of his partner on an equal basis with his own. What's that going to get you? Sure, maybe a dope new shitter and a sparkling new oven that can toast a few hundred pigs in a blanket at a time, but what profiteth a man to fill his stomach only to empty his soul?

Stay strong, my brother. Don't be tempted by the gaudy trappings of materialism. Get out there and blow your fortune climbing every mountain, fording every stream, following every rainbow until you find your dream – and once you find your dream, you might as well move in because you might be too broke to pay your mortgage at that point. Anyway, all I am saying is that dream-chasing is a baller move, so I can see the attraction.

Some people, when given the choice of free-soloing El Capitan or installing a pricey new brushed stainless steel double oven, are going to choose the latter. Does this make them impossible to live with? I don't know. I guess it depends highly on their French pastry cooking skills. In my humble opinion, a flawlessly executed chocolate croissant can be every bit as satisfying as a bloody-fingered fist pump at the end of a terrifying rock climb ... and here's the important thing: Those two things are not mutually exclusive. They can exist in the same universe.

The challenge, of course, is crafting a plan that will make it happen, cap'n. That might involve communication and (try to hold in the contents of your delicate stomach) compromise. Now, before you start feeling like a loser in advance, I would like to remind you that in the game of soccer, they are fond of saying, "Sometimes you must go backward to go forward." As crazy as that sounds, it's infuriatingly true, both in the game of life and the beautiful game. Of course, in soccer, a tie is generally regarded as a happy outcome. I guess you are going to have to decide if you want to be happy or be a winner. Good luck with that.