The Luv Doc: An Established Tradition

Dear Luv Doc,

The holidays snuck up on me this year and I just realized I haven't told my wife's parents to stand down. I don't hate them or anything, but they are a little nuts about everyone in the family being together on New Year's Eve and have always demanded that they spend it with my wife and their grandchildren. This year is different for obvious reasons, but I just talked with my wife last night and she said her parents are still planning on coming to Austin and staying with [us] for New Year's, as is the established tradition. I am angry at my wife and my in-laws for not even consulting me about this. I am not a party pooper, I just don't think it's smart to have them stay with us in our house – especially with COVID at its peak. My wife and I still both go into work. We take precautions, but we are still in a riskier situation than her parents, who are both in their 70s. My wife says it's their choice, but I think she's just scared to stand up to them. This is not a good idea. Should I put my foot down, or am I being too paranoid?

– Mad (Doesn't Necessarily Mean Crazy) Dad

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I think the solution to your dilemma is obvious. You need to go swap some hot, dank, virus-heavy air with an overly clingy group of rat lickers. You know the type: People who can't spend a minute alone with their thoughts because their thoughts are a tedious mash-up of reality television, B-list celebrity Instagrams, fad diets, and overpriced craft cocktails. Rest assured, they are currently in a corner-table rugby scrum in some West Sixth bar swapping COVID like it's college freshman dorm-sex chlamydia.

Yes, you're absolutely going to hate yourself for not choosing the less humiliating option of standing mouth agape under the Congress Avenue Bridge, staring up at the mesmerizing sunset emergence of Mexican freetail bats, but a mouthful of bat shit is a low-percentage COVID vector, at best. Plus, you stand the chance of being mistaken for some Midwestern hayseed who had too many margs at the Hyatt and mistakenly wandered into the drop zone.

So why should you be chasing virus instead of fluffing the dust ruffle on your guest room bed? Here's why: Nobody is going to accuse you of murdering your overbearing in-laws with coronavirus. It's kinda the perfect crime, except for maybe stabbing someone to death with an icicle – and let's face it, Austin is always short on icicles at this time of year, but we're currently swimming in a river of 'ronas! Also, it's really hard to stab someone to death with an icicle – even a thin-skinned septuagenarian. It takes a tight grip and insanely brutal tenacity, I'm sure. Plus, I think we can both agree that stabbing your in-laws to death is a real dick move.

Short of attempted murder by virus, your options are limited. Probably the most difficult option would be honest, forthright communication. There is a small chance that it will get rid of your in-laws permanently, but most likely the best possible outcome is that they understand your position and agree with it. They might also disagree with your position but acquiesce to your preference out of respect for your concern. Lastly, they might disagree with your position and still insist on staying with you, at which point you're in a real pickle. The same scenarios listed above might play out with your wife as well, but these are the ugly, awkward conversations that will strengthen your relationship in the long run – or euthanize it like a lame horse.

Don't worry, though, worthwhile relationships are hard to kill. They take brutal tenacity as well, so feel free to test your wife and in-laws' resolve about maintaining their tradition. I wouldn't tell you this if you didn't have a good point. Last I checked, there's a new year every year. The party can wait.