The Luv Doc: A Good Deadbolt

Dear Luv Doc,

I know this isn't going to win me any popularity contests, but I was actually kind of looking forward to the school year starting so that our kids would be out of the house and me and my husband could get back to having sex on a regular basis. Now they are in the house more than they were all summer! Back when the pandemic first started, I foolishly thought we would have more time to fool around since we are both working from home. Instead, we are now having less sex than we ever had. I don't know what I was thinking. The idea of one of our children catching us midcopulation has put the brakes on our once reasonably healthy sex life. On a brighter note, we are drinking a lot more and falling asleep a lot earlier. Catching Z's is nice, but I would like to catch a D every once in a while. Any suggestions?

– Horny Housewife

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I wholeheartedly agree that you don't want your kids catching you in flagrante delicto. No one is ever truly psychologically prepared for that. Parent sex is kind of like death: You know it happens, but you don't really want to think about it. Furthermore, by the time your kids get old enough to recognize what sex looks like, the door has probably already closed on your porn career. Yes, there are exceptions, but the washboard abs part of the parent bell curve is as flat as Matthew McConaughey's belly. All of this is to say your fears are well-placed. You may be paying more for liquor, but you're saving a shit-ton of money on therapy.

Now, at the risk of sounding overly simplistic, I am going to suggest you invest in a good deadbolt. I bet you're probably slapping your forehead right now saying, "Why didn't I think of that?" Relax. I'm a professional. Now, I'm assuming you're not living in some sort of hippie-commune geodesic dome with an open floor plan. If you are, your kids are probably already in therapy, so you can go buck wild. If you're like most people, though, you probably have a bedroom with a door that will accommodate a standard deadbolt lock, which you can pick up at your local hardware store for under $20.

That's right, for less than a tube of weed lube you can enhance your sex life immeasurably! Yes, I'm sure you've probably been fantasizing about that G-spot-seeking rabbit down at Forbidden Fruit, but nothing is sexier than the security of knowing your intimate moments won't be trending on TikTok the next day. It's a documented fact that relaxed people have better, more frequent, and less inhibited sex. I think it goes without saying that anxiety is a real boner killer, and these days, what with murder hornets, gun-toting incels, and RBG duking it out with liver cancer, anxiety is at an all-time high. A quick scan of the daily news feed is enough to counteract a few bubble packs of Viagra, so anything you can do to increase your peace of mind is probably a positive thing ... well, except alcohol. Whiskey dick is a real thing. Wine dick isn't much better – plus it's extra purple. So try the deadbolt first, and if that doesn't spice up your sex life, there's always boarding school.