The Luv Doc: A Potentially Awkward Conversation

Dear Luv Doc,

Last fall me and my boyfriend broke up for a month and a half. During that time he went to live with one of his old fraternity brothers. We eventually patched things up and got back together in December, and things have been basically OK since then, but I recently found out through another friend that while we were broken up he had sex with the guy he was staying with. I don't think it was more than a one time thing, but I don't know for sure. I also don't think he's gay. He is very sweet to me and has been very nice to me all through the last horrible six months. He tells me he loves me and I believe him, but it worries me that he could have sex with a man and then not tell me about it. The last few times we have had sex I have been worried that I'm too vanilla and uninteresting to him. I want to ask him about it, but I don't want to embarrass him. I don't want to bring up painful memories but I don't think I can live with this secret.

– A Girl Needs to Know

---

You should ask him about it. Any potential embarrassment he might feel from you bringing it up will be short term. However, you keeping this secret from him ... and him keeping this secret from you ... is undoubtedly going to be damaging to your relationship in the long run. If your disclosure is going to tank the relationship, you might as well find out now instead of five years down the road when you catch him in flagrante delicto with the pool boy. Just kidding! I don't even know if he's Southern Baptist!

It sounds like you and your boyfriend have a good relationship, and for all you know he might be thoroughly satisfied with your vanilla sex life. Fun fact: According to the International Dairy Foods Association, vanilla is America's favorite ice cream flavor! Now admittedly, this news initially made me want to claim residence someplace spicier ... like Canada ... but my arthritis starts acting up when the air conditioner comes on, so I guess I will try and stick it out here in Blandmerica for a while longer – at least until I learn Spanish. Oh, and don't think I don't realize that America's love for vanilla ice cream is a chilling metaphor for the current, dying gasps of white hegemony. That cone is melting, folks, so you better get right with chocolate soon ... or at least Rocky Road.

The important thing in this situation is to not make assumptions. Since you're not getting your information from either of the parties directly involved, we can safely assume you're only getting a fraction of the story. I know you might be tempted to go at this True Detective-style and maybe ask your boyfriend's fraternity hook-up about it first so you can match stories, but I think your best bet is to get your information from the person with whom you're most intimately connected. Give your boyfriend a chance to be honest with you and he might just deliver. And yes, you can be fairly certain that conversation is going to feel awkward, but awkwardness is always a sure sign that you're getting close to the truth.