The Luv Doc: Bickering

Dear Luv Doc,

Since COVID, I have been talking to my parents a lot more than I used to – on Zoom. Part of it is that I am genuinely concerned for their health (they're in their 60s and are a little bit hippie dippie when it comes to following orders) and part of it is that they are proud they learned to use this new technology that keeps them in touch with their kids. I don't think I would mind the extra communication so much if they didn't spend all the time bickering at each other. This is a new development. They used to get in arguments sometimes or snap at each other on occasion, but it seems like the older they get, the meaner they get with each other. It makes me sad. Last night they started bickering in front of their grandkids and I actually had to say, "Can't we all just get along?" I wasn't joking. My sister called me afterwards and thanked me for not letting it get any uglier. They can't seem to control themselves. Maybe they have been cooped up together for too long. It makes me wonder what they must be like with each other when they are alone. I can't decide whether to speak to them about this or just leave it alone. I don't think it's up to me to make them kinder to each other, but I don't like being around them much anymore. Should I talk to them or let them solve their own problems?

– Bummed by Bickering

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I think it's safe to say that no parent wants to be told by their child that they are being an asshole. That said, parents are people, and sometimes parents are assholes. Anyone who has ever worked the door at a free Disney screening knows what I am talking about. I have seen suburban housewives go full fucking mental because they showed up late and their kids couldn't get in to see Ratatouille. Now granted, if I had just driven a minivan full of grade schoolers across town from Circle C during rush hour, I think I would be a bit testy too, but I am pretty sure I wouldn't resort to screaming obscenities at a random stranger in front of a few hundred people. Who knows though? Maybe the ubiquity of hi-def cell phone footage has chilled that shit out a bit these days. Technology for the win!

Speaking of, maybe the next time the 'rents start bickering on Zoom, you could record the session and upload it to YouTube. Sure, you might have to buy the upgrade for a month, but showing your parents actual evidence of their poor behavior? Priceless. Any pro golfer will tell you that video can be a really effective learning device. And, if you have editing skills maybe you and your sister can do a play-by-play voiceover ... or better yet, make the grandkids watch it and film a reaction video. Truly, I think there is a lot of potential here if you're willing to channel your own inner asshole. Then again, you buy that upgrade and Zoom won't cut you off after 40 minutes, which I think everyone can agree is an unintentional lifesaver for most meetings. If you can't wrap it up in 40, you have too many cooks in the kitchen.

But let's be honest: Technology can't solve all of our problems. That's why we have expensive therapists. I'm all about that shit – not just because they're trained to listen to people whine about their problems, but because they ruin health insurance companies' profit margins and those greedy bastards need something to keep them in check. So, by all means, if you find the idea of YouTubing your parents' bitch sessions distasteful, hook them up with an LPC and ruin someone else's day. At least they're getting paid for it. Then every time they start crabbing at each other you can say, "Mom .. Dad ... this sounds like something you should talk to your therapist about." Easy peasy! Plus, it makes it sound like you really care about their problems and aren't just simply annoyed by their bickering. I'd say that's a win-win situation as long as their insurer is footing the bill. Otherwise, that Zoom upgrade is super affordable.