The Luv Doc: Wash Your Hands

Dear Luv Doc,

There is a woman in my office who has been coughing and sniffling for the past week. I am pretty sure she sneezed on me in the break room on Friday because I could feel the droplets hit my arm. She claims she has allergies, but she never says what she was allergic to. Anyways, should I go ahead and see a doctor just to make sure she didn't give me the coronavirus?

– Plagued

---

Um ... maybe you haven't really read my column? Not only am I not a real doctor, I am barely qualified to be a fake doctor ... and get this: There are literally no qualifications for being a fake doctor. So in other words, you've come to the right place. I am not one of those boring medical hacks who is going to inundate you with helpful medical advice based on years of training. That's not my style. Besides, I think we can both agree that well-trained, experienced epidemiologists are a dime a dozen. What this world really needs more of is people who make us feel hopeful and confident even though there is overwhelming evidence we shouldn't.

First, if we are going to keep a healthy attitude about a possible looming viral pandemic, I think it's important to recognize the elephant in the room: face touching. I personally touch my face about a thousand times a day. Sometimes I even touch other people's faces – like when a hair is dangling adorably across someone's eye ... or when I notice a fleck of glitter on someone's cheek leftover from a sick (not literally) rave the night before ... or when I do that hilarious grandpa trick where I steal someone's nose and then reveal it was my thumb the whole time.

So I am fairly certain that in the not-too-distant future, I am going to end up stealing a nose full of coronavirus, and even though it will actually only be my thumb, the joke will be on me. I will be holding a fake thumb-nose coated with coronavirus ... like a goddamn idiot.

Now, I know that you're probably thinking the moral to this story is to not go around pretend-stealing noses because you could catch a terrible virus, but that's not where I was headed at all. No, the moral of the story is to wash your hands – especially if you have been going around fake-stealing noses all day. That is what, in my wretchedly unqualified opinion, I think you should do: Wash your damn arm. Vigorously. With hot, soapy water. I sincerely hope you haven't been walking around with that snot-soaked appendage since last Friday. That's disgusting. Oh, and should you see your doctor? I am going to have to punt to the CDC on this one. They say you should consult your physician "if you feel sick with fever, cough, or difficulty breathing, and have been in close contact with a person known to have COVID-19."

Easy enough, eh? Now go wash your damn arm.