The Luv Doc: Exposed Flesh

Dear Luv Doc,

My girlfriend is very attractive. I tell her that often, and I am sure other people do too. On average, she dresses stylishly, but she's not over the top. So last weekend she went to ACL with her friends, and they were all dressed like they were going to be cage dancers at a nightclub. Lots of exposed flesh, belly buttons, fishnets, and short shorts, and they all looked like they spent a lot of time on their hair and makeup. The thing is, they are all married or dating someone. It really looked like they were going to Zilker to pick up guys. I made a joke about it, and she got mad. I am not a controlling boyfriend. She can wear whatever she wants, but it seems strange to me that she has to get so done up just to go sweat with 50,000 other people in a park. Am I wrong to worry about this? Should I not have said anything?

– ACL, aka A Concerned Lawyer

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You have a very attractive girlfriend. Worry sort of comes with that package. That doesn't mean it's warranted. Just because your mind spins off into all kinds of threatening scenarios when you see your girlfriend and her friends dressed scantily doesn't mean those scenarios are realistic. Those thoughts are best kept on the inside. There is an old adage that says something like "Worry is like a prayer for something bad to happen." I'm pretty sure Jesus would tell you to cut that shit out, but maybe you're not fully willing to commend yourself or your loved ones to the caprice of a hippie deity with a spotty track record. Just the idea that He thought bananas were a good idea is indictment enough.

Now, you might be a prayer warrior and if you are, thanks for fixing America's mass shooting problem, but if you're a reasonable fellow with a decent amount of skepticism, let me help put your mind at ease.

I actually attended ACL and can report that there were hundreds, if not thousands, if not tens of thousands of women dressed in scanty/outlandish attire. I can report that most of them, when not being dragged by their friends in a human worm chain through the teeming, sweat-soaked Lizzo crowd seemed to be having a marvelous time. Maybe they muled in some potent edibles; I don't know. Or maybe they were just having fun hanging out with their friends in a fairly rare scenario that didn't involve business casual attire.

One of the cool things about concerts and festivals is that they allow people to step out the rut of day-to-day living and become the adventurous, culturally plugged-in party animal they've always dreamed themselves to be. Why would you want to take that away from your girlfriend right when she's walking out the door? "Hey, hon ... go have a fun time but whenever you think about the way you're dressed today, please remember my disapproval." How could her love for you not deepen?

Think of it this way: You know how old white dudes like to wear Hawaiian shirts when they're enjoying leisure time? That Hawaiian shirt is their message to the world that they are off the clock and here to party. In other words, they don't give a fuck – especially not about how they look. See where I am going here? Did you ever look at an old man in a Hawaiian shirt and say, "You look fucking ridiculous"? Of course not. That would be a real dick move.

Rest assured that your girlfriend has done more rape culture risk calculations than you can even begin to imagine. Your input on those matters is only patiently tolerated even in the best-case scenario. My bet is that you got off easy. Hopefully, you learned from your mistake.