The Luv Doc: Happy Grunting!

Dear Luv Doc,

I have been with my GF since April, which may be too long because now she doesn't seem to have any problem just pooping in my bathroom with the door wide open. I called her on it early on and she said I was being stupid and that if I don't love her when she is pooping, I don't love her enough. That seems crazy to me. I don't ever poop with the door open and I never have. I usually even close the door when I pee, but I have to admit that is out of habit. What are your thoughts on semi-public pooping?

– Private Guy

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When my dog poops in the backyard, she gives me a look that is a disturbing mix of outright defiance and shameful indignation. It's a look that says, "All right, you're clearly going to make me shit in my own backyard. Well, here you go, big shot. Is this what you wanted?" What's even more amazing to me is that when she's finished, she gives a little chilly shudder, an obligatory dust kick with each hind leg, and then she trots off like it never even happened. It's like, if you were to tap her on the shoulder, she would say, "Oh dear. Who did that?" She would mean it, too. She has a serious case of poop amnesia.

I wish I shared that amnesia. I wish we all shared that amnesia. I wish the whole of humanity was able to look back at a pile of their own freshly deposited, steaming poo and think, "Oh dear, who did that?" and then give a quick shudder, a couple of dust kicks, and go sauntering off in search of a rotting squirrel corpse to roll around in.

But no, we were cast out of the garden. We are no longer in a perpetual state of blissful innocence. No matter what that adorable Squatty Potty web ad would have you believe, poop does not smell like rainbow sherbert. Not even if it swirls out of the ass of a precious unicorn. Therefore, I am going to have to take counterpoint to your girlfriend and state with the utmost surety that there are certain smells that even love can't overcome. Nor should it have to. Though it's a comforting thought, we have no empirical knowledge that love survives death, and there are some poops that smell worse than death.

If I am being a bit obtuse, I apologize. This is an uncomfortable subject. However, in regard to pooping in public, or semi-public, or in front of your most beloved soul mate, I can only say this: Do you really want to roll those dice? Do you really want to see if your love can survive whatever it is your bowels are cooking up on a given day? I don't. For me, every crap is a crap shoot. Of course, I am an adventurous eater. Maybe your girlfriend eats nothing but mint and celery every day. Clearly she has a lot of confidence in whatever is coming out of her ass, and if so, bully for her, but in my humble opinion, bad experiences are cumulative, like a jar of farts, so for the health of any relationship, it's best to drop the deuce with the door closed and the vent fan on. That said, feel free to pee with the door open, but not after eating asparagus. Hope this helps! Happy grunting!