The Luv Doc: What Happens Next Is AMAZING!

Dear Luv Doc,

My boyfriend is always checking his cell phone. He does it when we are at dinner, going for a walk, at shows, and even in the middle of our conversations. We will be talking and he will get a text alert and he will check his phone – even respond without being conscious that he is doing it. Furthermore, he rarely tells me what the texts are about or who he's texting with. He will say something like, "Oh, it's just a friend" instead of being more specific like "Bill was texting me about playing golf." I don't think he is hiding anything from me, but it does make me feel less important than whatever it is he has going on in his phone and ... well, taken for granted. I haven't really talked to him about it yet other than to tease him a bit because I don't want to seem too controlling, but I need to do something because it is driving me crazy.

– On Hold

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What was that again? I'm sorry. I was looking at my phone. There is a bald eagle egg that's due to hatch and I signed up for text updates because ... I mean, come on, everybody wants to see the birth of freedom, right? Your situation, however, seems pretty dire. Much more dire than the very real possibility of a raccoon running off with a bald eagle egg. I mean, it's not an existential, life-and-death struggle with multiple camera angles, but it's got to be annoying af – enough to make you want to risk your relationship by having me chime in with off-the-mark ramblings about nature cams.

Thinking about it though, would it be terribly forward of me to request that you strap a GoPro to your head the next time you're going to see your boyfriend? I think there might be a huge untapped market of voyeurs out there – especially if we can somehow work in a raccoon angle. There is a real universality to your problem that I think everyone can relate to: People are just not interesting enough irl to actually hold our attention for more than a few minutes.

I mean, conversations start off interestingly enough. "Hey, Betty! You're not going to believe what happened to me this morning! I cut myself shaving and [here's where a marketer might interject with 'and what happens next is AMAZING!'] I bled, like, everywhere." Of course, we all know the scene should end there, but most likely that conversation will turn into a 30-minute snooze fest about what kind of razors are safest. Fuck. I am reaching for my cell phone just thinking about it. I need to get a peek at that egg cam.

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying you're an uninteresting person. For all I know, you are a fascinating raconteur. Regardless, it appears that your boyfriend might be kind of a dick. Unless he's getting updates on his heart transplant, he needs to put his fucking phone away and earn the gift of your company by being present and focused and into you and what you're saying before you go looking for someone who is. However, before you go man shopping, first take a few minutes to clearly explain to him your expectations and how he can meet them. Hopefully you can squeeze that in before he gets his next text.