The Luv Doc: How Clever You Are

Dear Luv Doc,

I'm in love with a woman I hate. Yep. She is so good-looking, so hot, that even her garlic/onion/horseradish breath is sweet to me. When she is away from me, I yearn and yearn for my little Sugar Britches. Yep, that's right. But when we are together, and not just for a game of "hide the weenie," I hate her guts for the crap she does. Like, wow, man, she changes her colostomy bag in restaurants. She says it's OK, like breast-feeding in public is OK. Then, for Valentine's Day, she wants a romantic dinner somewhere classy. So we went to Hooters! What's there to be mad about? Sheeeeesshhh! She wanted me to buy her daughter a dollhouse. I told her that daughter has a perfectly good roach motel! What's her problem? I try to stay away, but inevitably I return, hoping things will improve, remaining optimistic about my pessimism. What am I doing wrong? Help!

– Dazed and Confused

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Dear Dazed: So apparently comedy is not your thing – at least not currently. I don't want to be too discouraging because like many skills, it's something you can improve on over time with a lot of study and practice. If I were you, I wouldn't trot out the kind of schlock you just crammed into the "question" above at some comedy open mic for fear I might be physically assaulted. No seriously. It's that bad. So bad, in fact, that I want to believe you're trolling me. Truth be told, your question is a little bit funnier when read in an Andy Kaufman voice, but just barely, and like Kaufman's work, it is more likely to incite violence than laughter.

Although it saddens me greatly, I get questions like yours on a fairly regular basis. I count them as my penance for my hyperbolic and occasionally snarky style. However, I would hope that even the most remedial of readers would understand that this column isn't some shitty comedy open mic where everyone gets their three minutes to bomb. In fact, I imagine right now that the few readers I do have are pissed off that I even allowed your question to appear in print – and I feel for them ... deeply. I hope it doesn't cause one of our proofers to quit. They're really great people.

So yeah, that's what you're doing wrong. You're trying to use this column to show everyone how clever you are. That's my job. And if anyone is going to bomb as miserably as you have it's going to be me. But thanks, nonetheless, for allowing me to put your coyote head on my fencepost as a warning to all the other hacks. You wanted to prove to everyone how funny you are and you have succeeded.