The Luv Doc: Into It

Dear Luv Doc,

It has only been two months since we started dating and my boyfriend won't go down on me anymore. When we first started dating he would at least try every once in a while, but now he has just given up completely. I have asked him if he has a problem with hygiene/smell/taste, but he says he's "just not that into it." I don't know that I am super "into it" either, but it would be a nice change-up to our normal sex routine. I don't want to force him to do something he doesn't want to do, but I go down on him regularly and would appreciate some return on my investment. How do I get him "into it"?

– Untasted

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Peanut butter ... no, wait, that only works if he's a golden retriever. Then again, you didn't say he isn't a golden retriever. Even if he isn't, peanut butter just might do the trick. I mean, who doesn't love peanut butter? Other than people with nut allergies? Of course, you shouldn't have to have a threesome with Peter Pan® just to get your boo to bat your button around. That should come with the standard package.

The happy news is that you have already established that this isn't a hygiene issue. That's good, because while I am completely willing to allude to bestiality in this column, I am very uncomfortable with dispensing advice on how to clean your cooch – not because I am not willing to sell out to Big Pharma (you hear me, Bayer? You are only a house in Malibu, a blinged-out DJ Khaled-style Jet Ski, a Lambo, and a Gulfstream away from getting the Luv Doc's full endorsement) but because, as everyone knows, the vagina is a self-cleaning organ. End. Of. Story.

So the problem you're having with your dreamboat is either one of confidence or motivation. Now, I will be the first to admit that for a long time the actual physiology of the clitoris was about as well-mapped as the lost continent of Atlantis, but after several thousand years – and the help of some extremely frustrated female scientists – we have pretty much pinpointed the actual location, size, and shape of the only organ on the female body whose sole purpose is female pleasure. Eureka!

Even still, sex-ed classes still place the location of the clitoris as "somewhere south of the belly button." Cough. "Good luck, fellas!" Similarly, it's a real drag giving an anatomy lesson in the middle of a hot makeout sesh, so a lot of guys are understandably confused about where to go and what to do once you're there. Fortunately, we now live in the information age, so claiming to not know how to work the clit is like saying you don't know how to Google.

So, either your boyfriend is really stupid or he's a lazy bastard. If you want to "get him into it" you need to let him know in no uncertain terms that it is important for your relationship and your sexual health and well-being that he learns how to get you off like a goddamned boss. Tell him you are willing to be patient enough to let him practice his craft over several years until he perfects it. If he's not on board, find another sailor.