The Luv Doc

Dear Luv Doc,

First Tinder date in a while – I have been trying to meet non-reptiles. We went to a dinner at a chain restaurant and got seated at a small table. The guy literally talked through the entire dinner and chunks of his food kept flying into my salad and falling into his beard. I only took about three bites and then quit eating because I could barely keep it in my stomach. THEN, after he finished his huge plate of food, he asked me why I hadn't finished my salad and I said I wasn't feeling that hungry so he ate the rest of my salad. Is God trying to punish me?

– Still Trying Not to Vom

Were you at Applebee's? Because if you were at Applebee's, God is definitely trying to punish you. In fact, I would bet that moments after Eve took the apple from the serpent in the Garden of Eden, God started sketching out blueprints for the first Applebee's – with Satan as a consultant, of course. The diabolical cunning of incorporating hometown kitsch into the Applebee's decor in order to distract diners from the unrepentantly shitty food could only be the work of Old Scratch himself (all due respect to our Lord and Creator).

Not even Jesus would forgive that dude for taking you to Applebee's, but even if he took you to Fleming's, his behavior was unacceptable. I hope he didn't take you out to dinner on your second date as well. Just kidding! I am actually amazed you stayed long enough to let him finish your salad (no prison euphemism intended). Maybe you were worried about not being able to get an Uber? I think the Austin public knew there would be unintended consequences to that vote, but no one could have imagined an unspeakable (thankfully this is print) atrocity like this.

I think you've learned your lesson: If you ever go out with this dude again, you need to wear one of those flip-down Plexiglas dental hygienist masks and drop about 80 milligrams of Prilosec OTC (Note to P&G marketing department: You can just send it PayPal).

That was a joke of course – not about whether I can be bought by Big Pharma because every man has his price, but about going out with this guy again. Never. No. Something very fundamental is missing from his human training, and you are not the slob whisperer. Maybe a few hundred more dates that end with women fleeing him in terror might do the trick, but I doubt it. His best hope is to be relentlessly hazed by his true friends until he picks up a copy of Emily Post's Etiquette and memorizes it cover-to-cover.

Now that we have established that God is trying to punish you, I think it's best to be extra vigilant in vetting potential dinner dates. Maybe ask them which fork is the salad fork ... or "Does your beard smell like macaroni and cheese?" ... or "What's the best thing on the Applebee's menu?" Answers are "short," "no," and "margarita," respectively, but you already knew that. Hang in there. God will get bored eventually.