The Luv Doc: Spelling and Grammar

Dear Luv Doc,
My friend always has to correct everybody’s spelling and grammar on Facebook. He does it at parties, too. What is wrong with him?
- bustin caps

I don’t know about you, Bustin, but it saddens me greatly whenever I see that a fundamental educational ball got dropped, and nothing is a more telling indicator of that than bad grammar. Now, before you start getting all huffy about intellectual elitism or the constant evolution of the English lexicon, let me say this: I get it. A mastery of the fundamentals of usage and syntax doesn’t necessarily tell us how smart a person is - rather, it tells us how important it is for that person to be perceived as such.

I know people who can dash off a brilliant two thousand word essay on some esoteric topic but can’t change the oil in their car or even tell you how a combustion engine works. I once had a nearly toothless mechanic laugh at my stupidity for dismantling the entire fuel system on my van when all I needed was to change out a fifty cent fuse.

You know what? Dental hygiene notwithstanding, he was right. That shit was hilarious - and by the way, after he spent ten minutes doubled over laughing and wiping the tears from his eyes, he was sincerely apologetic for his insensitivity and even threw in the fuse for free. That was a classy move - especially considering he probably thought I was a complete imbecile.

I have to remember that instance - and many others like it - whenever I am moved to make comment on someone’s botched Facebook post - and I do on occasion because I am a wise-ass and I can’t help myself, but I feel a little guilty afterwards - like maybe I should throw in a fuse.

The God’s own truth of it is that if someone is old enough to misuse “they’re” on Facebook, they’re already past the point of grammatical salvation. Ditto for cocktail parties. Yes, there is a possibility you might shame someone into adhering to your editorial commentary, but more likely you’re only going to convince them you’re a know-it-all dick, which can be stated easily enough without proper grammar or punctuation.

Nonetheless, you should have at least a small amount of compassion for your grammar Nazi friend for trying to draw a line in the sand - for taking a stand against the devolution of language. I know that personally every time I see bad grammar or spelling I think: “Another win for the Republicans, another step toward idiocracy.” But that’s not fare, is it?