The Luv Doc: Bonging Molly

Dear Luv Doc,
You’re obviously a man of the world, so riddle me this: My friends and I were drinking the other night and somebody asked, “Can you smoke Molly?” Nobody had a definitive answer. Can you help us out here?
- Rollin'

Yes, Rollin', you can smoke Molly. You can cook it up like some knuckle-dragging dumbass and inhale the fumes, but ask yourself: If the best way to get high on Molly is to smoke it, wouldn’t we have heard about that already? That shit has been around longer than AIDS. It’s been around longer than Moby. You would think that at some point in the last 30 years there would have been at least one Time magazine cover featuring a sparkly-eyed club kid mollybonging his way to the Betty Ford clinic, but no. Remember: This is the magazine that Photoshopped OJ blacker, so don’t think for a second they wouldn’t jump at the chance to unscrupulously fabricate a sensational exposé on the latest drug craze threatening America’s troubled youth. That's how they roll.

Based on that evidence alone, I think we can safely assume that smoking MDMA is a bad idea. In fact, I am going to lay my balls on the table here and say that smoking anything is a bad idea. Yeah, I know I probably just lost a bunch of yellow-toothed, raspy-voiced, leathery-skinned readers with that statement, but to them I say come the fuck on. It’s the third millennium. Quit playing stupid. How many Surgeon General warnings will it take for you to stop living in denial? In fact, forget the Surgeon General. I’m pretty certain the commonsense argument against smoking dates all the way back to when fire was invented by Brian Williams. Don’t get mad at me for pissing on your butt-sucking habit. It’s your ghastly death.

Now, it only seems cricket that if I am going to shoot down that Molly smoking idea (which, as you stated earlier, was forged in the fiery hot crucible of alcoholic stupor) I should offer an acceptable alternative. After all, we’re here to solve problems not bitch about them, right? So, if you want to know the best, healthiest way to ingest Molly, just read the instructions on the packaging. Oh wait, there aren’t any. You bought your shit at a music festival from some dude who looked like James Franco in Spring Breakers. If you’re willing to trust your life and health to that loser, then pop those pills ... or crush them up and rail them like Tony Montana or better yet, dissolve them in vodka and tampon those bastards. You might end up duct taped to a wall with penises Sharpied on your face, but YOLO motherfucker!