The Luv Doc: Disgusting Fruitcake

Per usual 2014 was a particularly puzzling year for misogynists, homophobes, and paranoiacs – the slow movers who got bulldozed by the cow catcher of evolution. Fortunately there were plenty of answers in the advice satchel. Here are 10 bon mots from 2014 (in no particular order):

On replacing vowels:
When you insert an asterisk into the word “bitch” and take out the “i,” you really haven’t softened the term in any way for people who might be offended by seeing the unadulterated original. In fact, replacing a crucial vowel with an asterisk in a potentially offensive word is a completely useless and smug gesture in that it assumes the reader is too much of a sh*t-eating, knuckle-dragging f*cktard to recognize the clever substitution.

On absinthe:
Stay away from any liquor that you can easily light on fire.

On having a relationship with a computer:
If you think your last significant other was really good at pointing out your faults and imperfections, a computer is going to be nearly flawless.

On the organ harvesting business:
All I know about the outlaw organ-harvesting business is what I read on Snopes, and they say it doesn’t exist – kind of like global warming, CIA rendition sites, and herd immunity.

On the Supreme Court:
Americans should be highly suspicious of people walking around in robes. Robes spell trouble: white robes, black robes, vestments … you name it. It’s the third goddamned millennium, Friar Tuck. Get with the program. You’re one black tablecloth away from a burka.

On whether masturbating makes you gay:
Masturbation may not seem gay, but remember, technically you’re getting jacked off by a dude.

On parenthood:
Condoms: not just for muling drugs and water balloon fights. Amirite? America has got to stop treating parenthood as some inalienable right like assault weapon ownership or hydraulic fracturing. It’s serious fucking business.

On anal sex:
Like singing and dancing, everyone is a self-appointed expert when it comes to anal sex – even and especially if they’ve never done it.

On pot smoking:
The only acceptable way to smoke a bong is to make the bowl glow like a thousand suns – so brightly that you need welding goggles to avoid retinal damage.

On advice:
The cool thing about good advice is that, like a shitty bottle of wine or a disgusting fruit cake, it can be re-gifted again and again.