The Luv Doc: Deeper Than Sex

Dear Luv Doc,
How can two people that meet on a dating website become close friends, meet, date, have great sex, then exchange the L word, then he never wants sex again? It's been a year and a half now of excuses, avoidance, and millions of failed attempts to engage this person in any kind of conversations about sex. Why continue dating? Why stay in touch and still swap the L word? What am I being kept around for? I have to choose between our friendship and intimacy????
- NoSexInTheCity

Let’s begin with the premise that I can’t answer your questions. I mean, yes, I can answer your questions. I am rhetorically quite capable of doing so. For instance: He never wants to have sex again because he was castrated by his bookie’s collector; because he just needed a beard; because his body is possessed by an asexual alien entity. I could go on, but I think you get the point. I don’t know this cat from Adam - well, actually I do. Adam was at least tapping some forbidden fruit. Other than that however, this dude is a complete mystery to me.

From what I gather, he is at least something of a mystery to you as well. I am going to be a little bit judgy here and say that your relationship lacks more than just physical intimacy. Physical intimacy ebbs and flows to a certain extent, but in a serious relationship, emotional intimacy should be a constant. If you have asked him plainly why he doesn’t want to have sex with you and he has refused to talk about it, I would say you have problems with your relationship that go far deeper than sex. I think you already know this.

You don’t have to choose between friendship and intimacy; you do, however, need to decide whether you want to continue to have friends (or L worders) who are not willing to openly and honestly communicate with you. The L word is exactly that: just a word. Doesn’t mean shit unless you’re willing to back it up with action - no, not hot, steamy bedroom action, but the day-to-day, grind-it-out-in-the-trenches dirty work of an actual relationship: intimacy, openness, honesty, vulnerability, compassion - basically all that shit that made Jesus such a swell dude.

But wait, before you get too disappointed that I didn’t answer all your questions, I have happy news! I can answer one: Why are you being kept around? Easy. Because you are allowing yourself to be kept around. Because it’s hard to look unflinchingly at your current situation and decide that, as good as it may be otherwise without the sex, it is still not good enough and not what you deserve. Because it is very hard to search for something better if you don’t have faith that you will find it or a belief that you deserve it. So yeah, that’s why. I only answered one out of five. I bet you can do better.