The Luv Doc: A Sexual Savant

Hi Luv Doc,
Having just moved to Austin a few months ago, I have to say this town is something! The Greenbelt is maybe my favorite place so far, and the water in Barton Springs is perfect. But I'm finding it kinda hard to connect with people. Part of the reason I moved here was because I think I knew every man in my hometown and, not liking 'em very much, I thought I'd carry myself someplace new. I'm staying with my sister a little out of town, but I come to Austin often for the range and contra dancing. I like it, but I'd be a liar if I said that I feel like I'm fitting in. It seems like every person I think is nice at first ends up showing me something that about knocks me over. You talk about things practically, so I wonder if you can help me figure a couple of things out from this past weekend.

Hunter (I changed his name) and I met through my sister's friends and went out dancing a couple of times, and he was sweet and asked me about my home and walked on the outside of the curb. Long story short, when he asks me this past weekend if I want to come over to his house to see his new tree stand, I was pretty excited to see it. Thinking maybe we'd head to the Hill Country and try it out. So I go over to his house in the morning, and he shows me to his basement, but it's dark, so he tells me to cover my eyes before he puts the light on. When he does, my goodness! There wasn't a tree stand in his basement but a chair with all sorts of belts and buckles all over it! I'd never seen anything like it in my life.

So, I'm just standing there with my mouth open, and he asks me if I'd like to try it. I refused. I wasn't nice about it, but he told me I was coming to see a tree stand! I asked him what the hell he thought I was going to do in that chair, and he responded like a sack of hammers. Like I was the one who's thick! He asked me what I thought it was for, and I just said, "Look, Hunter, that's your chair, not mine. Not my chair, not my problem." He was put out cuz I wouldn't play along and said I didn't have enough sexual savant about me to stay there any longer. So I directly left him and his belt chair in that part of town.

Luv Doc, are most people in Austin like this? Not everyone I've met shocked me like Hunter, but I've been surprised by lots of people one way or another. I thought I was going to be all right moving west to Texas, but this kind of thing makes me think I should've stayed with people I can at least follow for the most part. I mean, what is a sexual savant? Is this something that people learn? What do I need to understand in this town? Should I be expecting more Hunters?
- Sexual Simpleton

This is sort of a bad news/worse news/good news situation, Simp. The bad news is yes, there are plenty more people like this fellow in Austin. The worse news is that we really don’t use a lot of tree stands in Central Texas. (They look fucking ridiculous on scrub Cedar, and deer are embarrassed to be shot by any hunter who would use one. Mainly we use blinds and towers – or Dodge Ram vans driven at night on Highway 290.) Finally, the good news is that the longer you’re in Austin the less the weird people will freak you out.

When I first moved here, I marveled in doe-eyed wonderment at all the people on Sixth Street with strange clothes, menacing tattoos and oddly located piercings, but after a few years of hunting strange, I came to realize that if you want to go fishing for real deviants, you need to troll the suburbs. They may keep it on the DL for the most part, but I would put a night in the burbs up against any Jim Rose Circus Sideshow.

Just last Friday, I introduced a couple of amateur porn screenings, and the most remarkable thing about the audience was how wholesome they looked. Seriously. I would have brought any of them home to meet my mom – well, with the exception of that guy who was wearing the kilt. Pretty sure he was freeballin’.

Point is, I could tell you that you need to calm the fuck down and that you just had a few anomalous bad experiences, but that would be irresponsible. For all I know, you’re a freak magnet, and why – for the life of me – you didn’t pepper spray that devious bastard for claiming his fuck chair was a tree stand is beyond comprehension. That was, needless to say, disturbingly rapey. However, don’t judge the bushel on a few (OK, maybe even up to 20%) bad apples. You have an equal chance of getting herpes.

As for being a sexual savant, that’s someone who is dumb but good in the sack. You seem pretty smart to me. Hang around. I think you’ll do just fine.