The Luv Doc: What is Wrong

Dear Luv Doc,
What is wrong with you?
- Anonymous

Good question, Anonymous! I am still figuring that out, but fortunately I get lots of help from family, friends, and complete strangers like yourself. Here’s a short list, but I could go on and on.

My feet. Whenever I take my socks off, the most common responses I get from people are, “What happened?” and “You should probably see someone about that.” My feet look like someone smacked my pinky toe with a sledgehammer and it never healed properly. Actually, that’s pretty close to what happened on one foot, the other is the crapshoot of genetics. My feet are the evolutionary end-product of generations of Irishmen slogging through peat bogs and shoveling up rotten potatoes. They are also (like the Emerald Isle itself) a great advertisement for the benefits of miscegenation.

I’m also prematurely gray. It’s something I share with accomplished people like Anderson Cooper and the lead singer from Guided by Voices, who looks like one of my Irish uncles but somehow, maddeningly, much, much cooler. In a few more years I will be hard-pressed to call this gray “premature,” but I am not sweating it because it will be snow-white by then anyway.

Backfat? I have a luxurious layer of it. If a plane goes down in the Andes, you’d want me on it. I’d like to blame that on genetics too, but it’s just as likely that it’s the result of gluttony and binge drinking.

I have the obligatory hodgepodge of scars that come with age and stupidity: knee, ankle, foot, elbow, hand, and skull, though I really won’t be able to truly document those until I finally shave my head. More disturbing though, is the subcranial damage that you’re undoubtedly alluding to with your question.

Being the youngest of four brothers, I have a plentitude of issues. I am a bit of an attention whore and often interrupt people with what I think are hilarious interjections, but are really just annoying non sequiturs. I lack what most people refer to as a filter. Actually, I have one, but it doesn’t catch much. I’m also a bit of an alcoholic – albeit a high-functioning one – and a self-deprecating egotist, though truly, the older I get, the less I am impressed with myself. Most importantly, I am the last person in the world who should be handing out advice, so it was smart of you not to ask for any.