The Luv Doc: A Knuckle-Dragging Meathead

Dear Luv Doc,
I am a big sports fan. I played football and baseball, ran track and I like to watch golf and sometimes bowling, if I am trying to fall asleep, but I don’t get soccer. BOR-ing! Why do people waste their time on it?
- Paul D.

I – like you, Paul – used to be a knuckle-dragging, myopic, ethnocentric meathead, but then i went places, met people, and did things, and lo and behold, these days I'm mostly just a knuckle-dragging meathead. Not too shabby. I am hoping my weekly yoga regimen will take care of the knuckle-dragging, but as far as the meathead thing, I may never entirely get over that. As I’m sure you’re aware, Paul, the worst kind of ignorance is ignorance accompanied by hubris, and I will fully admit to having wallowed in that trough on occasion.

As for soccer, I see where you’re coming from, but I have left that place. Soccer is quite fascinating and every bit as full of tactical intricacies, physical acumen, and on-the-fly decision making as any of the popular American sports. That said, there are still a few things about soccer that I can’t get right with. One is the idea that a soccer game can end in a tie and the players and fans can go home and sleep at night. That’s like not resolving the last chord of a song. That’s like responding to an Evite with a “maybe.” That’s like full penetration without orgasm. Why you gotta do me like that, soccer? Why you gotta leave me hangin’? I need a “yes” or a “no.” I need Ceasar to give the “thumbs down.” I need blood on the sword.

Then there’s the whole “offside” deal. Offside makes sense in American football where there are two obvious sides lined up against each other, but in soccer there are people spread all over the field and the sides are always moving. You know what offside is called in hockey and basketball? Bad defense. Either you need to get Jerry Jones to spend some money on defensive backs, or you need to put in a phone call to Vince Lombardi. You don’t need to make a new whiny rule that penalizes the other team for being too fast.

But I digress. Soccer really is a beautiful game. It’s enjoyed and celebrated by millions the world over, and if for some reason you don’t get why, it’s not because those millions of people are dumbasses. Here’s my suggestion … and this goes for just about everything under the sun up to and including Dungeons & Dragons and or shrimping: Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. Go play some soccer. It’s really not all that hard to figure out, and there are plenty of fields around Austin with players more than willing to school you. I guarantee you will come away with a new appreciation for the sport.